rey.

a world without meaning.

2006-11-10T23:21:00.000+08:00

a world without meaning.

i was on dictionary.com tonight checking out the meaning of juniper.
i have a lecturer by that name,so i decided to check mine out.

– noun
a male given name, form of John.

that kinda insulted me.
and then i keyed john in,

and the third definition :

3.(sometimes initial capital letter)
a prostitute's customer.

now i hate my parents even more,and wonder why i never did this before,when i had already instinctively[for no reason] disliked my name ever since i had it.

the other day,

2006-11-09T05:39:00.000+08:00

the other day,

i typed a nice,long and thoughtful post.
blogger decided to have errors and thus discarded my few hours' worth of words.
someone teach me how to be angry.

i wont be posting anytime soon,i think.still have to change that template.

everything unsaid.

2006-10-28T21:47:00.000+08:00

everything unsaid.

another day gone,i wasnt planning on blogging about the tkd children and adults i taught today,nor the sugoi lavender charkwayteow that sir brought us to eat,nor helping my mum to cook dinner.it was expected to be another night to just pass for a new day,with parents nagging,changing my bunnybedding and doing my tutorials early[which is relatively new].
when i was the comp,my mum passed me a letter i received from ngee ann,and i left it there,thinking that it was just another redundant reminder of some sort.so when i got up to pee,i picked it up and opened it[i like multitasking dont laugh],and i started to read it in there.

Dear student,

Congratulations on being awarded the following Prize(s) for the April Semester of Academic Year 2006/2007:

Best Performance in the module Written Business Communication

The school cordially invites you to attend the Towards Outstanding Performance (TOP) Book Prize Presentation Ceremony on ...

well i must admit it changed my night,[but i had to finish my pee first.]
i wouldnt want to rant on on how my father expectedly didnt praise me or how he reacted with 'can you get this letter every term' as soon as he got over his longsightedness.
mum was,slowly,
'written business communication.mm okay la you reply to her la,say we're going.[exeunt mum]
nor the [millions of]thoughts that coursed through my mind,how i studied for that paper,how i was always joking that writing letters are easy,or why didnt anyone do better,or whether i could reread my examination script,and so many more.

if i was a less litty guy,i would imagine myself posting:

Woohoo.!Won a Book Prize for Written Comm.Kiss my feet.!

i mightve been that bad if i went to RI[okay im sorry i cant get over that disappointment,i still have some stubborn perfectionistic traits in my veins],i can imagine.

yesterday,my cats teacher made us all draw ourselves,with our right hand,then our left on the reverse side.she then started taking up the papers one by one,and extracting character traits from there.i was intrigued,i was seeing sherlock holmes in front of me,and definitely i wanted mine to be evaluated.
she would pick up one,turn it around,and say,'this girl is very neat.did your primary sch teacher say,this girl is very diligent,tidy and puts effort in her work.?',and the girl would nod her head shyly.she did so for every paper,and i was quite impressed,not only by her skills in psychological analysis,but by her patience and generosity in giving advice,like dont be scared of life,you have to come out of your shell.
i was most impressed when she was able to analyse loneliness of the person from the drawing.it was quite amusing,the way she did it,she would lower her head and grip the person with eye contact,above her orange-rimmed glasses,and ask rather sternly but matter-of-factly[like the tone expected truth],
'youre a very lonely person.is your family overseas.?'
he fumbles with a no,theyre here in singapore.then she asks again.
'oh.all of them.?hmm are they all here then.i mean,here,'
she points to the ground,to signal,on earth.he hesitates,she probes,neutrally hardhearted,
'some.?hm.okay.you miss them right.?dont worry.'
she gives the feeling that you wont know whether she genuinely cares but has no time to spend on you,or that she just wants to get the lesson going to prove a point.

so finally she came to me,and picked up my paper,methodically flipping it around,then eyeballs rolling up to meet my eager eyes,and she just said,
'this guy is very secretive.why.?'[it felt like a question,i wanted to answer but yet again she continues like it was rhetoric]
she continued in an almost exasperated voice,giving that advice so many times around,
'you dont need to worry so much,dont be afraid.'
i smiled,mouthed a thankyou,then started my thinking again.
did the pictures really show that i was secretive.?maybe so,i could figure it out if i was given my own pictures.id give her the benefit of the doubt that it wasnt because my drawing was something out of her league,something she wouldnt understand.

btw,i liked my left hand drawing better than my rights',haha.

i guess i have a better impression of her now,even though shes indian and has the perpetual dont-piss-me-off-or-die,im-tired-of-this-world-being-so-stupid look.

its been raining,and
ive been walking,
so give us the cold,
and let life be merrier.

anticipation,with fists and a roar.

2006-10-19T16:44:00.000+08:00

anticipation,with fists and a roar.

perhaps i havent been blogging for too long,id be kidding myself if i dont let things out of my heart.i never liked the notion of crying,but its hard to take when i cannot be perfect.

lets just get this over with,for my selfish sake.
[please,anyone thats reading,this is a just a rant,to give my heart some air,i do not mean offence or hypocrisy at anything that i have done or will react to.]

today,i woke again when c called me,i apologised cos i was late meeting them for cs in sch.i couldnt meet them later before class because i was meeting [another]c for lunch.was disappointed in myself for disappointing them.i had a long day and night the previous day,but it was a new day and i had no excuse.
on the way to canteen2 i saw h.he said as i passed,'i caught you shaunnnnnn.!'i knew him well enough to not be bothered to correct his misunderstanding.

we had a nice lunch[fishsoup] and chat in canteen 2,and that was pretty much the best part of the day.i went to my lecture,and settled down to find my laptop wasnt with me.i ran back to the canteen to find it,but it wasnt under the table anymore.i went back thinking that i must have missed it while changing seats in the lecture.it still didnt appear,so i went back to the canteen with a heavy heart.i hunted again,asked the nearest people in vain,then the nearest cleaning lady.another cleaning lady noticed me and beckoned for me to approach the drinkstall people.the cleaning people had found it and deposited it there,and luckily,i got it back.i was so relieved,and then i questioned,why am i so lucky.?
the previous day,i had dropped my phone,and the person who found it called some people and got it returned to me.
sometimes coincidences happen so closely,i cannot help but think about supernaturality.

halfway through the lecture,i asked a friend to change seats with me so that i could reach the power plug to charge my laptop.he asked why,and when i said i wanna charge laptop,he immediately stood up to change seats with me.i told him thanks,but i thought,he could have just said,nevermind lah,im lazy,lecture ending soon and we have notes,you dont need your laptop anyway.
am i paranoid.?no.but it made me think about the world.does it work like that.?i felt,again,like a small cog in the unstoppable wheel of the universe.and i dont like staying like that.

the few of us,after lecture started to the library,they wanted to play cs again,we were undecided.then they pondered on doing tutorials instead,cos i said i didnt feel like playing,and i needed to meet v at her place.i thought about staying for awhile,over meeting v,i really was split down the middle.
in the end my auntie called me while we were walking in,and the librarian approached me and asked me not to use my mobile in the library.so i started walking out,while my group was oblivious and proceeding without me first.i finished the call and decided to go meet v instead,i had no choice but to disappoint them again and sent a sorry sms to one of them.it yielded no reply.

i was at the busstop and called v's hp to ask about the buses,but a guy answered,and explained something i didnt catch,then settled for going back to sch to wait after he said she'll call me back,and that theyre not at home.
i didnt know who that guy was,i thought our meeting must have slipped her mind and shes still out.it was discouraging.
she called back awhile later,while i was getting a little frustrated at getting no answers from the microecons lecture notes for the tutorial.sister's wedding,she explained,couldnt meet me today,she was sincerely sorry,and of course it was all right with me.so i went home.

today,it was for c,because it was the first time i was having lunch with her,but more for v because i missed her,that i put on my best.my new fcuk shirt and gray jeans from aus,hair with a little more gel than usual[a few kind friends had complimented that it looked nicer],black socks and my gray reeboks to go,and the belt to avoid looking sloppy.
i was disappointed in myself,for not being able to look as good tmr for her again.

on the way home i thought of the sat bbq,and of those who hadnt confirmed or whom im not sure who were sure of the location.they hadnt gotten back to me,and it was discouraging too,although im sure nobody meant not to deliver promises.ill just call them later,whats the fuss about,i thought to myself.

when i reached home,i took my shirt off,and wiped my washed face dry,it suddenly felt like i was wiping off imaginary tears too.
i automatically switched on my music,which is always on random,played firstly:dont look back in anger.and the songs,as soothingly expected,reacted to my emotions with angrybutcomforting music.it continued with my vindicated,the scientist,lonely nation,i'm not okay,sell my soul,and more.
sometimes i believe i would be punching the wall everyday without my music.

with the haze,it feels like me and the world needs some tears,and sunshine and to jump out of the moody black holes we're all retreating into.
a sigh for a new tomorrow,for ever.

onefortytwo like it never happened.

2006-08-05T01:47:00.000+08:00

onefortytwo like it never happened.

and here i am on my laptop in the darkness,because my dad was being him,and i still do emptily wish they will let go of the strangling leash on my neck a week later when i turn eighteen.

ive spent the last hour on v's site,pressing back,back,back,and reading her beautiful mind slowly reversing into time,and i keep going like an addict though my eyes hurt from the glare.
her words are.
godly.
i dont know how to describe their effects on me.its like,when i read,im no longer existent.feelings are sapped away,i cannot feel the sadness nor calm peace,i do not dare to admit i understand everything for it is so complex,and throws the definition of infinity in my face,although however near the posts may mean to my,and her heart.the distance between mind and earth i cannot comprehend,it feels like i could live on the words and nothing else.
its a good thing unmistakably,i dont plainly admire her for her words,but i stand in awe,of that something ive always wanted to establish from life itself,that never-will-be-discovered,unattainable,liminal part of life and the mind.

i remember that i used to try and learn from her posts,to comprehend how she brings the words out,there were periods of time where i experimented with many different post styles,trying to create a constantly unique,unidentifable impromptu cadence of words,and it was hectic and messy and forced.
tonight after reading over two months worth of her posts ive realised even more strongly that it was a gift,not a matter of practice.
i guess i can never be proud of my writing,and never go back to the past where i knew little and aimed for perfection in everything.

and yet i stare into this blank possibility,hoping against hope this feeble mind will breakthrough to another stage, not just for being happy to be able to capture the world.

somehow tonight im in another universe,and inadequacy is the least bit in this surreal reality.
no,i shall not die in my sleep.

tonight,i met v for dinner at hollandv,i had a good evening,although our times together will never be long enough,and her eyes too deep to finish tumbling into.
its also her Rs,i would recognize her by the innocent,raw ring in her R,anytime.

its threethirtythreeam and im reminded of being painfully aware of how much of my writing mind has deteriorated,in every aspect.i like to blog slow and late into the night,because i lose consciousness occasionally,and with no exception tonight i try to comprehend the things i write unconsciously,to shed that tiniest ray of light on the mysteries of morpheus and the psychic or psychokinetic,however insubstantial that may be.

tonight,i wrote 'destroy the world.'

perhaps,the fire of the halfmoon
was what everyone else wanted to see,
[and you are a god,]i reach and yearn
at the back of my
head
i say
eclipse within me,
i drudge on.
seven stars and svelte skin sorrow,
eradicate the ashes of forgotten pain,
and,
then,
perhaps,.

i like tuesdays because.

2006-07-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

i like tuesdays because.

tuesdays are flying days.

tonight,when sir was getting into his car to go home after a long afternoon and evening of trng with me,

sir:bye shaun see you on friday.
me:bye sir see you.
sir:take care ah.
me:yes sir goodnight.
sir:dont kill anyone ah.

i laughed.

spin,heel dont protrude,
spider of the sky smirking
to himself,
slowly,slowly
encasing missmoon
in a cocoon,
oh,dont eat her up so.

oh,[the hiding whispers].

2006-07-07T21:49:00.000+08:00

oh,[the hiding whispers].

im still having these.lets call it psychic dreams.
and im not having good sleep because of them,keep drifting in and out of consciousness.

this morning's dream,i dont know whether the messages came first or i dreamt it first.
i was getting a lot of messages on my phone.everytime a message came in i woke up to read it.but id be in a subconscious mode,reading but not registering,or perhaps vice versa,absorbing very little of my surroundings when i just woke and knew i was going back to sleep after checking the message and time on my phone.
but before i read each of them,i knew who it was from.i woke up more than 5 times through my sleep,each time picking up my phone,seeing '[number] message/s received'
on the phone,then psychic-knowing who it was from,then opening the message to confirm the sender and reading the message.
there was no difference in font or phone model or colour or whatever during my dreams,it was like the message was really there.

so i woke up for good in the end,and immediately checked my phone's messages.there were only two or three messages that were new,but i could remember the names of the people who sent me messages but not the content of their messages.
it was like,i woke up more than five times,and i felt the fatigue in my head.
did i really wake up,then dream the picking up of phone and reading the messages,
or did i dream waking up and reading the messages.?
i guess unconsciousness has its mysteries for a reason.

by the way,the psychic-knowing of names before seeing them were all accurate[for those that existed materialistically],and when i read over the three most recent messages i recalled reading them in the middle of my sleep.
so definitely i slept and woke at individual times to read the messages.but how many times did i wake up.?
and was it really psychic when i guessed the names.?if so,was i conscious or unconscious when i applied the psychic abilities.

i like the mysteries of morpheus,giving me memory and understanding[that it wasnt time to wake up yet,when i checked] and then taking it away so abruptly after;i knew that i woke up and checked the times,and remembered processing through my brain that it was not 0845 yet,no need to wake up,but when i really woke,i couldnt remember the times anymore.

[oh,dont tell me life is a dream,and that ive been living on the wrong side of my head.]

all these detail crunched,
you zoom out into another box,
still
trapped,
its not pleasant worming the way out,
because in the end
the light will reveal all your ugly little holes.
embrace perspective,refuse angle,
find peace in searching for it,
kill fate when saving smiles,
tears that caress dont come by easily.

sunday lifestyle,june25 2006,pg#4

2006-06-26T22:59:00.000+08:00

sunday lifestyle,june25 2006,pg#4

the article was about lifestyle's test on singaporeans' general manners,and we didnt score well,for holding doors,lifts and allowing passengers to alight the train before rushing in weren't often at all.

all that,to think,after i had an encounter at raffles link,at the very same spot where they conducted their poll for one of their locations.

it was last saturday,i was walking from the mrt into raffles link,and there was a bald,short and stout guy probably in his mid 20s,behind me,walking towards the door too.as i reached the door i pulled it wide ajar,and stepped back,with my right hand gesturing a sweeping motion into the entrance,with the thought of 'after you,sir',i gave him a smile,letting him pass first.
in the same instant,he gave the same sweeping motion with his left hand,connected with my eye for that split second,smiled and took his glance away embarrassed as he walked through the doorway with a grateful thank you.

i felt good[but of course didnt do it for the sake of feeling so] and pleased to show some courtesy and be acknowledged for it,although i didnt expect it so.
after reading this article,i thought,why should he be embarrassed.?he should be pleased instead,our society,and the human nature,thats so undisciplined.

ive always despised and scowled at the backs of rushy people crowding in front of the mrt door too,ignoring the yellow paint on the floor which should scream,get away you selfish bitches.

[everybody should join taekwon-do.]

off to wash dishes,
i like the freedom of a
maidless house,
the silence,slow cold,
uncaged air,still time.
imhappyhome.

moving pictures in my head for years and years theyve played.

2006-06-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

moving pictures in my head for years and years theyve played.

ive been trying to create my own blank template in my test acc,and its not very successful.id never really liked things unless i created them myself,and ive always wanted to make my own blogface.
#plain,writings and writings galore,a random picture,and more writings.
sigh i dont like my mind,its so undetermined.

[whyhavemywordsabandonedme]

ive started reading my old diary again,i hope my current one pops up soon,i really cant stand myself wanting to write but unable to find it and being not-very-determined to find it.

its funny how people[or maybe its just me] think theyve matured by looking back,and then it keeps happening,and suddenly its all wrong,im wrong,i didnt want to grow up this way,and to think i thought that way.
never thought that intelligence was detrimental.?
you would be happy with finding a bunch of bananas for dinner with your family if you never knew that fried chicken existed.
rhetorical,but its just.

ive been dreaming more this few days,maybe because im allowed to sleep in,and.its happening again,im dreaming about my paranoidthoughts,its screwing my reality up,i hate sleeping because i hate waking.its insecure,im not in control.
ive always had this thought that if i died in my dream,i would die in reality too.sorta like the matrix concept.

im feeling more worthless nowadays.because of how this life has turned.the balances are all upsetted,maybe for the better,but definitely,they can be much better.
whered my piano gone.?watching some youtube pianist,i felt like a loser.i could have achieved that standard.
whered my words gone.?i feel like im so helpless again,out of touch with friends,unable to express.

~~i feel like a normal person.~~

im hungry and im ignoring it.

i think itll all be good soon,been looking alot on pasts,and ill get over this phase.
im waking up-
and a roar to match.

youll hear when im ready to play.

no,the moon isnt frowning,
which clandour seeks further,
find me a strength,
a surge of careful twirls,
shes just trying to catch your curls in a shimmercry.

death without tears.

2006-06-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

death without tears.

its holidays and i dont think i did as well as i wanted to in the common tests.sigh.

im not liking poly life,its very artificial.
i dont like ordinary people,boys and girls without the drive or heart.
i think they waste everyone else's time.

today i read flowers for algernon,courtesy of m.who else would offer to photostat that many pages for someone else for the sake of it.?
^^ grateful i am.

im sure id read it before.probably when i was much younger,maybe lower pri.of course i hadnt the lit analysing skills then,but i remember wanting all the intelligence too.the curiosity,the dissection of the world into my head just because.
i remember thinking that the intelligence:english prowress ratio really wasnt practical of the author,but it served its purpose.
what a deja vu,ive been having quite a few these past weeks.
ive also been wondering whether deja vus are good or bad.
does it mean extrasensory perception powers or just coincidence and bad memory.?

it always seems very established,that the things that matter in life come in small packages that i unwrap myself,and then it jigsaws perfectly into so many other things.is this why people believe in fate and karma.?is coincidence such an unacceptable concept.?

i used to think my brother was a genius,i still admire his drawings and designs.
he could play the computer the whole day the moment he comes back from sch and until he goes to sleep,and still get good grades and clinch a fourth in intersch chess competition in sec sch.
he taught himself how to work the computer inside out,and led trading card trends,and even downloaded songs years before they became mainstream.

i had always wanted that superior knowledge,i always asked him this and that to no avail.
it was very demeaning,i felt powerless,i couldnt even find out what i wanted to know cos i didnt know where to look.

sometimes,i blame my parents silently for not tolerating him.for allowing him to be distanced from the family.for taking away my path.
i had felt free but lost,happy but empty.there was nobody there to play beautiful music while i lay to sleep,nobody to bully me to help him do things.i would definitely have gladly continue taking on his little demands like getting a mug of water for him and then refilling it after hed gulped it down in front of me,i would have sat behind him watching him play his computer game,hoping for the rare chance that he would let me play,and not daring to get sulky if he didnt.

is this about my parents,or my brother.?
[sometimes i wonder why i never cried.]

shatterdrop,the black pearls
speeding to the marble floor,
a pause on single crack
shockhorrorgaspscreamteardropflaredeye,
its not funny how
anger conquers all.

i think that.

2006-06-07T04:33:00.000+08:00

i think that.

what happened to all that i wanted to blog.?

its fourforty and my life is so worthless now that i cannot do words the service they deserve.
i cant even remember my dreams.
pathetic.

geisha pumping it,
turn it up indeed for
it mightnt be the last
of death of two of her.

all in a fist.

2006-05-27T18:07:00.000+08:00

all in a fist.

i just watched 小孩不笨2 with my parents and sister.
jack neo has done well in portraying and trying to change the ways that our typical singaporean families and societies work.
maybe my parents will treat us nicely for tonight.
but soon they will forget about it,forget about all the messages,forget that we sat through the movie with them,forget that they ever tried to change themselves in the span of the movie.
it is not a powerful enough message,to change people for life,to take the few steps back and move forward again.

for that,i am sad,and am even more so,because i know that nothing will ever be enough to change them,nothing will change until the day they die.

so when will i be able to change the world.?

like the leaves that fall,
one is unimportant
and you stand under them,
so emulous of the others
impossible to catch all,
esurient to slay your brothers
watch them each collapse with a whisper,
for you knew that you sang to the monsters.

radiance in the black.

2006-05-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

radiance in the black.

i wanted to chop my hand off,and just put on a new one when i was in the car to the hospital.i felt fucking useless.

this morning my father was sticking a chopstick each into the mouths of the live crabs he bought back,then leaving the seven of them there in the kitchen basin to die slowly.

tonight,he was drink-driving,i told my sis to put on her seatbelt,i sat awake throughout the ride.its a long ride from my grandma's house to my house,i didnt normally stay awake,nobody else does,i thought a damn lot in the car.

lets hope that my bone looks okay on monday,so that doc can approve me for sparring in sept.
sigh.

fat bellies and scars to go,
is hate such a wrong.?
rend and tear,
patch but slow silence
like the thin flash of
death.

deadspeak.

2006-05-10T00:08:00.000+08:00

deadspeak.

so much has happened,but i dont feel i owe anything to this blog.im a little cranky cos of lack of sleep,but on the whole im going through another 'i dont feel up for anything' phase.

its a stupid world.

we are bored
with blackseeded daisies,
the sigh and scream of
never,
we thought
the gashes
sunk like teeth on skin.

funeral of my black.

2006-04-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

funeral of my black.

yes,ive cut my hair,and im damn sad cos it looks exactly the same like the last time i cut it.its fugly,the sides stick out,its too short,it cant be styled.
the security is gone,i didnt want to keep it a little long,cos the feeling was gone once a bit of it was cut off anyway.
im not really sad that the long hair is gone,it was quite unkempt if i didnt style it[i hardly bothered to],im more bummed at the fact that its uglier now.bitch.
when it grows,i already have an idea of what i want it to be styled like.
top short,then gradually getting longer as it goes down to the fringe.i think thatll look rad.

why didnt i bloody think of that before i sat in the damn leather chair.?

i feel like shaving it all off,skinhead.

in under nine hours is my 2nd dan blackbelt grading,and i know im gonna put every joule of energy into it,its the least i can do to show my dedication.i already studied[i never did] for theory,and im quite happy im working hard for this,itll be a big day.
I LOVE POWER BREAKING :D.

poly's been nothing much,period.

i miss all my friends )):.

parading like a skipwalk,
down down with smiles to go,twirl,then blank laughter.
net a wink,nab a frown and
tell me you dont need any more honey.

tomorrow is another day to die.

2006-04-18T19:56:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is another day to die.

i started thinking of my many why-we-shouldnt-continue-living-in-this-world theories today,when i realised i had misplaced gray adidas [sweater] ):.

mustve been on the bus.

will bug smrt hotline tmr during orientation day2.
not having high hopes tho ):.

it was one of the first things my brother gave me [willingly],it was a sign of that my brother had changed his bullying attitude towards me.it was barely 3 or 4 years after he had moved out of our roof,and we had this void because we hardly saw,thus hardly talked to each other like normal siblings do.he began to become a better person,apparently without all my parents around him,and him giving that sweater to me was one of those surprisingly pleasing signs.
i still remember-
'wah kor how much you buy this for.'
'two dollars.at the warehouse sale'
'wah so cheap.!'
'you like it ah.give you lor.'

it accompanied me through sec3,where i spent the best of my sec sch in the holding sch at queensway,that cosy fourth level airconned classroom tucked away,so nostalgic.

sec4,moving around in the home room system,i loved it during hist/ss classes and chinese and gp,cos they were on the ground floor and airconned,i would lie on it listening to classes,it was dreamy,and comfy,and impulse always smelt better through it.
it went through every paper of the o levels with me too,
it is my trusty old lieutenant,my comfort and indulgence,my warmth and sustainment,my joy and hideaway.

jc were the rainy days,c,m,r,the cold never got the best of us.
headphones and it to recreate my writing mood for gp,there was no substitution.

and i was looking forward to it accompanying me to more lectures in np.

they say things are often taken granted for until lost,i dont think this was the case with my gray,and it hurts so much more.

[id kill anyone who innocently dares to give me a sweater/jacket/hoodie for any occasion.]

im going to look into my black once again,hoping that gray'll appear in a corner that i wont care to find out why i missed.

sigh.

screw orientation.

it isnt the void in your
skin that is
tearing you up
breaking you down
constricting your heart
puncturing your lungs,
dont cry,
dont cry,
the cold will take everything away.

earlier.

2006-04-15T13:15:00.000+08:00

earlier.

which idiot would walk into cold storage,buy a cookies&cream 1.5litre meadow gold tub of ice cream with nets cos he has no cash,then finish one quarter of it with a requested plastic spoon while waiting for the bus.?

me.

inward sigh,frantic peace.

2006-04-12T23:37:00.001+08:00

inward sigh,frantic peace.

its funny when something new crops up,the old things dont seem to matter much anymore.

tonight my dad pulled off my wire when i didnt immediately stop using the net to go out and watch mm lee talk to the politically concerned kids on tv.
i dont need to go into detail about how he voices everything in his tone.

my mum was talking to me when he did it,and of course i was irritated,so i cut the conversation with
SEE,EVERYTIME LIKE THAT ONE.
with voiced raised,as seen,over her shoulder,and locked the door and blasted music,and as always sat there dazed,running the past few minutes over and over in my head.
[my sis's door slammed shortly after,dad,dad.]

my mum knocked on my door a little later,asked whether i had eaten.i was still in a tantrum so i gave a scowl and a no.
main point,we argued,right there in my door,about him being unreasonable and about me not keeping to my word.so we went on and on,it was the first time i looked my mum straight in the eye while i argued with her,and i cried halfway,a little,still arguing,raised voices both of us,shouting,shouting.

i wouldnt concede like all the other times,to let my anger dissipate over the night.so i kept arguing,her voiced cracked and her eyes turned glossy when she screamed,i knew she wouldnt break down in front of me,but i with my tears down my face didnt feel in the least bit embarrassed.those parents of mine,they would never understand that pride was not equivalent to 'face'.

so finally my mum gave up arguing with me,turning away with a [raised voice of course]
IM JUST SICK OF THIS FAMILY OKAY.

and when i closed my door i realised some important things.

my mum couldnt control my dad whether she knew he was right or wrong,she didnt dare to,so she has to side him against me.
or maybe she thought id be the easier one to control.
she was still in the mindset that everyone was against her,i got over that long ago.
but i think most importantly
i had to do something about the family,or itll never cure.

i couldnt stand the thought of us arguing all through our twenties,
and then growing up forty plus years more with all the tension,
all the problems of
last time you treat me like that,now i take revenge.
how immature.

so i calmed myself down quickly[but my eyes didnt],surprising myself,and decided that we needed to sit down and have a serious family talk.

for the past two hours ive been wanted to go out and ask,is your saturday evening free.?i want to initiate a family talk before we go for our family dinner.
i still have no courage.

but since ive been told that fridays good friday,it better turn out good cos i think it wouldnt be a wrong evening to have a talk since no one's really screwed up by work or sch in the day.

i think im going to write a note and place it on their dressing table,[again],and hope that results turn out different this time round.

sigh.

[i cant believe im turning into a family boy,
but the only people that treats me unkindly are my parents,
the irony.]

[and im reminded of the previous time i cried,and wrote m's favourite poem,the one with the f word,
she had affectionately recalled.]

puffy eyes go away i want to swim tmr.

red eye,
looking like you were torn apart
by a herd of oxen.
red eye,
oh what you carried,
pierced right back through the mirror.
in all your angst,your
exploding potential,
haul those tears out more fiercely,
you dont need them,
red eyes are only for murder,
and yes,
youve done well.

gray sky falling,falling.

2006-03-31T10:38:00.000+08:00

gray sky falling,falling.

ive always wanted to do this--lie on my bed and blog heh.its like it feels more appropriate,relaxing,typing to nothing,
sorta like
lying down on the reclining chair talking to the psychiatrist thats not there.

two days ago,in the evening my dad was being an asshole.he told me to get off the comp to go cut hair and then eat dinner,i told him ill finish whatever im doing then go.
so being him he came back to my room every few minutes to hurry me up,'you tell me finishing,better get out now okay.'so after a few times of this and me replying yesyes coming,
he just said,I GIVE YOU TWO MORE MINS OKAY.
oh,and imagine everything to be in a shouting tone.my dad doesnt seem like a dad.
so he pulled off my internet cable and not for the hundredth time.
i got really angry.
i slaammed and locked my door,blasted music.
then i recalled their nags-tell you to clean up your room so many times also never,only know your computer.
so i did clean up
i moved all the boxes of old videos documents and books and whatshitnot in my room outside,i unscrewed part of my table,i removed the bedposts,cleared everything from under my bed,and put the comp on the floor with the mattresses.
sorta like my bro's room.
is it a sign of rebellion.?hope he took it so.

of course he was mad when he came back,he wouldnt say anything when he's mad.hed just watch tv.
the next morning he shouted me awoke and also at the maid about stupid things not supposed to be thrown in the hall just like that,throw away the stupid bedposts and stuff[im leaving out all the expletives my dad always uses,bad influence eh] cos they take up too much [fillintheblanks]space.
well he took off my modem and router ytd,i was a good boy tho after i argued with my cant-listen-to-anyone-else-except-herself-also mum,went to trim hair,read books.
the bed on the floor seriously injects morpheus into you once you look at it :/.
yesterday's thunderstorm just forced me into that drowsy-druggy feeling mood.the rain hardly comes in anymore.

modem and router back on today,duno why but who cares.father still seems in a bad mood,should i be nice to him.?z.

when i was young,id imagine religion to help build a better world,to rid the world of political and social barriers.i thought that,religion was supposed to bring people together,to learn to be more mature,and understanding of each other.
in that aspect,i expected[christians/catholics especially,since it forms a majority,and cos i went to a methodist sch] people with religion to have a different view of the world,of people.
the octentry i just wrote,reflects what i thought the world should be like.
strangers understanding each other,the lines of platonic and materialistic/selfish love being diminished or even destroyed.
a world where you can seek comfort in a stranger without embarrassment or rejection,where every individual is selfless in actions and feelings.
everyone will be happy,because they do not want to feel unhappy.

how many people at the bar is waiting for a partner to drop by.?that when one finally comes along,they go for a nice dinner,have a little chat.and when the woman is not interested in pursuing the relationship further,the man does not feel disappointment but instead accepts it just because she will be happier.?

evolving into people who can act so maturely surely will take a while.
but looking at the religious organizations,their path surely is not in this direction.?
yes,church teaches you to be compassionate,let you make more friends,teach you to love and to forgive.
but still,does one treat another stranger on the street like their church friend.?

i think that,religions in a way only build moral values and positive mentalities.just like adam khoo lessons,revamped.

so how much can we expect from society.?nothing in this lifetime i suppose,and thats all people can think of.

too many you think,
a thousand three like your
apple tree,when life's like that
and you wish a woodcutter would come,
what would your music be,
aqualung or linkin park.?

snatched,its yours.

2006-03-15T15:15:00.000+08:00

snatched,its yours.

i was looking through my progress report of nursery and kindergarten,
the reports showed that i was a really average kid with a vague flair in numbers and physical development.

i wasnt very creative with art and craft,i was marked average and good for most of everything.
then i came upon this

Remark:Shaun is rather slow in his work.Must try to make an effort to speed up.

i remember this part from those days.i was very perfectionistic,i could spend hours kneading that clay dough into an elephant,because it could never resemble my imagination well enough,
i wrote really slowly,double checking every letter,every word i wrote.i was worse at drawing,i would get frustrated over not being able to draw what i could see and imagine.

and another funny remark

(Is able to write his own name but has spacing problem.)

it struck up alot of thoughts.
how did they really judge us toddlers.?was it as easy as putting an A for average and G for good.?
it looks quite obvious that i was good in numbers,with all the VGs around that section.
should i have become a mathematician rather than an arts person.?[my play interests,creative expressions and even music were average and good at best].

then this section,moral & spiritual growth.

i was amused-
sense of right and wrong - average in first term,average in second term.HAHA.

thats all thats left of my nursery and kindergarten life,i guess.i remember going for two extra bowls of chicken porridge one kindergarten day,the teacher frowned and gave me less on the seconds and thirds,that evil woman.
i loved the food there,the cornflakes,chicken porridge,green bean & red bean soup,there wasnt any bread if i recall.

i didnt expect much in my progress report,but it was rather amusing and thought provoking.
it could have been really poor and i wouldnt disbelieve it,it could have been really good too.
but,well.

just an average kid.

[maybe idve done better if there were fighting lessons.]

you couldnt turn any better
with the scars on your face
but you had rather
scratch another three
to find solace beneath more.
dont walk out,
dont,
dont turn the witch doctor away.

tonight of the promising shards.

2006-03-12T22:35:00.000+08:00

tonight of the promising shards.

well it feels like a vortex has taken over the moon tonight,it feels so empty,so lacking.
sucking everything away,clumps of emotions gone with the wind.
this feeling of.promising possibilities,of everything else that is not possible becoming so,is stronger than ever.
this has blackholed away my energy,my confidence of life.

perhaps it was the league of extraordinary gentlemen,they reminded me of my childhood.
i used to think that,if i tried really hard,i would get powers that no one else had,not childish commonplace wishes like being indestructible or zapping some idiot to dust in a wave of the hand,but rather,
learning to fly,to find peace away somewhere far away and foreign,
getting more powerful physically,that i couldnt be beaten by anyone.
i used to play around in my living room,in that square space i would imagine a scene,i would kick and punch imaginary enemies,ninjas that would pop out everywhere from every corner,i would imagine i could jump up to the corner of the ceiling,and throw a nemesis into the fan,his gory death,my satisfaction.
for hours,i used to enact fights,all by myself in that big living room,my sis wouldnt usually join me for long.
they just kept coming and coming.
i used to be strong.

now that i know alot more,its hard to digest that its almost impossible to be the best of everything.ive lost that perfectionistic quality i was quietly proud of,
the world's been breaking down my spirit.

even the music,is trying very hard to cure me.or distract me.but nights like these,i just dont want to stop drowning myself in imagination,and play piano,and sing along to the cryable songs.

in the air you see nothing.
people talk of
motherships and jesus
in the clouds.
youll never see a crazy dude
flying around fighting,wanting
to hit every inch of air existant,
not until you rip out and
put my brain
on a little cd player.

@0137

2006-03-08T10:51:00.000+08:00

@0137

THEY FUCKING WASHED MY GRAY ADIDAS SWEATER AGAIN,FUCK.

for far too long,
the moon has gone.
[and i wish they could see
my eyes now.]

four second rushdown.

2006-03-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

four second rushdown.

tonight[or ytd night technically] i scooped myself a cup of mint chip just because i missed the colour green.

s asd w i h itrt,i wanted to ask,w dffc w i mk.?
i felt sad,but i didnt flinch.

i dont want things to change.

this week will be stressful [t].

my mum keeps nagging me to trim my hair[my two silver gatsby cans lie within an arm's reach].

maybe theyd never sat in a swing
together,
maybe theyd yearned to be
a god,
maybe theyd never learn
to play the piano,
or vanish in a
teary blur.

another day to sit around and rot away.

2006-03-06T14:31:00.000+08:00

another day to sit around and rot away.

today feels like another silently excruciating day.
im feeling i cannot take in enough air,its really stifling.
i woke at elevenforty,but my mind,its lingering somewhere along the edges of.
the many times it feels like there is no world,
i live for the day and will hold on to it forever.
its those days where nothing is a bother,except the things around me.
it was the friends,the gym,the thoughts of magical wonders.

and its these days that pull me back to reality,so frustratingly,that i dont want this world anymore.

half an hour before i have to go to work,and even there itll be a fucking compressed space where ill give trouble to everyone today.
nothing will be more important than what i deem it.

it feels empty without m's blog around,the inspiration has ceased.
v's never fails to brings me into another world,where all is beautiful regardless of whatever happens.

i dont know why im even blogging all this bullshit.
i should get over this stupid post and reflect another day.

theres so much else to write that i wont,i feel like deleting this blog[again],its useless.
or maybe,
tm t trn ivsbl.

every day marks
the end of an era
the silenced cry
of a falling hearbeat,
the unsaved hugs.

to eat or to sleep.

2006-02-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

to eat or to sleep.

im hungry now,and im thinking of m cos she always seems hungry and underfed :x.
instant noodles im coming.

it feels slow and sad,suddenly,the phase started just after midnight,it feels like the old times,not a deja vu,but an inescapable feeling of helplessness.
tonight i had more free time for myself than i recently had,so why does this stagnant air linger.?i havent even touched my sunday papers.

maybe its my parents.theyre getting youre-really-old-naggy,and deaf.in the fuckedup manner,repeating things four to five times in the few minutes,and asking you the same stupid questions thrice in a day.
im damn irritated by these,they make me seem like a bloody no-brained loser that isnt worth to be appreciated.
maybe it isnt true,but they never show it and thats what counts,fucks.

i shant rant more,itll just make me feel worse.
aqualung plays and plays on,
its gonna be a lonely day.

falling like the
gray clouds torn apart,
maybe you shouldnt
look beyond the
cold heartless
bars.
see the gathering quiet
ahoy,starboard is your
renewed hate.

learning to tie my hair.

2006-02-22T19:50:00.000+08:00

learning to tie my hair.

twoweeks,here i am.
itsjust another wednesday night,its filled with musick halfblasting,and thoughts that weigh like cold air slowly seeping into my drenched hair.
it feels different going two weeks without blogging.
hereigo.

cold baths are getting better.it always has brought me into a different plane whenever i first let the shower fall past my shoulders.the cold like a ray gun cleansing everything you feel in a moment.besides that,i feel like a different person every time i go through a bath.like,how do you put it,reborn,given another shot at life,all the spirit is charged.
when i was younger,i wanted to live in the water,i would go to a corner of the pool and squat or sit on the floor,holding my breath for as long as i could,repeating and repeating this just doing that,sorta stoning.it feels really nice being surrounded by water,being almost free of gravity.i kept my eyes open,but i wasnt thinking anything in particular.i would fall,sometimes,into a meditative state and it didnt feel like i was using effort to hold my breath.like i could breathe in there if i wanted to.its one of the ordinary yet unforgettable moments,that you realize only after its been done.
when will someone invent a machine that acts like gills,to embed into people.?

its the whole new world that is possible,but nobody seems to care about.

on the bus today ive been thinking again about my grandparents,wanting to ask them what they did,who they were in their life.it seems a long time that theyve been living,but i dont want them to go.not ever.thirty more years doesnt seem like enough time to spend with them.
[i think im gonna start crying before i finish half of this post.]
my grandfather on my father's side passed quite a few years back,i didnt have any feelings at the wake and burial cos i hardly exchanged five sentences with him in my lifetime.i dont want the same to happen to my grandparents on my mum's side,im so much closer to them,so much more to learn from them.and there is no time.

so i thought about my future,the path i was gonna take before my death[yes usually my mind works that way.],but first,did i want to have children.?its such a complicating decision.
in one perspective,its my life,i can enjoy it with me myfriends myfamily whoever i like till whenever i choose to.but its sad,eventually i will die.i may watch people die away,i may watch things crumble,but one thing is that i never would want to die.its the stupidest thing to want.
and then,children.?itll definitely be a burden and sacrifice.not materialistically,who needs to care about that,but rather to my [and spouse's.?] own life,being tied down to home for that few decades,it can be suffocating.
and when we're going[im still wishing for an immortality pill,or for the earth to collapse into a black hole,the sooner the better].?leave everything to children,family friends blah its only common sense.but is that what is correct.?no.

then again,do i even want to get old.itll be a pity moving away in the thirties,but it isnt such a bad idea when thought about.theres nothing much else in this world for one.
lost opportunities,but living legend.?
if bruce lee lived till today,what difference would it make.?he'd be sixty six this year.

its just saddening whenever i think of this,there is no escape,there will be no change.thats why i always cut my thoughts off.there will be no resolution,take these things one at a time.

this is the only matter i am afraid of.

well its been a long two weeks,and short,if considered.
was mostly work and work,tkd,work.
its not bad,the work.but well.the management sucks and we all know it.i really feel like quitting every night when i get home,to continue whatever i wanna do,like tennis,going out with people,going for more tkd,playing my piano,being alone.being alone.being alone.
ive adapted to andersens,its boring.theres so many other things to do than waste my time there.
work experience my arse.

ohwell.it feels like school again,im not getting enough sleep but i dont care,and i need to drop everything because of it.im learning that many more people are trapped within themselves,they dont aspire to be more than a person in itself.

my hair is getting longer i like it it hugs my neck,it clings when its drenched.
i havent gotten headaches before much less migraine so i dont care yet.

been rather offtouch with many things.even this house,my computer.i still havent tried climbing out of my window down some storeys to visit neighbours ive never seen before.
i think itll be fun.

l is going back to aus this sunday,fuck man.time just flies.

okay,now for two weeks ago.friday it was,i had bad dreams before i woke up in the morning.im realising im having bad dreams linked to some of my small paranoid thoughts.
like waking up to find my teeth getting really crooked and crazy-incurable.
and waking up to find everything wrong.
and then i wake up of these wake-up-and-find-something-wrong-dreams and feel really uncomfortable.

friday,i felt quite that way,the air was heavy with humidity and compressed my body.i forgot what happened that morning alr,but nothing much happened and i just felt like crap.[i think one reason was damn badhairday.]
rain was just starting when i went down to work near 4,i wanted the rain to cure me,it pathetically just flicked down on me,the start of rain.there wasnt any cold winds,and it didnt feel nice.on the way there the rain got heavy,really pretty,i longed to alight and run on the roads.
but at marina sq,the skies started to doze off on me.i didnt get drenched at all,just drip,drip,drip.
was demoralizing.
the skies,were so nonchalant,seeming glad to be rid of its attention on me.like they didnt love me anymore,as much as i did,them.i went to work and still felt wrong,the andersens cap was too tight,my apron couldnt be tied up tight enough to suppress my bad energy.i went to the toilet and sat on the cubicle for awhile,just trying to fix everything by giving m a msg and sighing,hugging myself but preventing sleep.
indeed m did lift me up with her reply later,and eventually workload killed everything else cos i didnt wear my cap and the hair felt like it wanted to comfort me too.
it was quite terrible,that day,just having that dreadful,undecipherable slices of numbing pain.

the day before,thurs,was rather wrong too.i think it was the work that made me feel like that,now that i think about it.the loss of freedom.
i went to fairfield near 2,to collect my o lvl cert.heard it was my last day to collect it.on the way there i played comfortable-john mayer,it reminded me of v and her mason.so my thoughts were on her the whole way,mixed with memories of travelling this way for three years,while our lady peace accompanied me through a really long time in the mornings,i loved my way to school.

met a,then came back after collecting,im sad that the schools ive left seem to have one thing in common:
the kids are getting more childish and disappointing.
i went to work,after fairfield,on the bus with mayer,and going back with mayer,repeating that song over and over,it felt really comforting,maybe because v is one of my best comforts.
was singing comfortable the whole time i was at work to myself,it felt very dreamy,very you-should-smile-just-because.

ah,
and the monday.
monday,i was at parkway parade andersens.it was quite boring,and rather repulsive,with two aunties working there.i didnt exactly like the fact that they treated the place like a hawker centre.
once in awhile the aunties in bee cheng hiang,just a few metres away from us,would call over,or us to them,just to talk fast rubbish in dialact that only aunties can pull off without being stupid:
a:'AH ZHUUUUU'
b:'yeeeeeeeeeees'
a:'sibei sian ahhhhhhhhhh'
b:'mai cha laaaaa[dont make noise]'
-a+b starts talking in sprinting dialect that i dont care to know about-
worse thing is,they do it in front of customers,and the camera every andersens outlet has.
to hell with andersens being bloody high class 'purveyors of fine ice-cream',they might as well scream.

well it wasnt that bad working there,not too busy.
it was like my third day,sent there probably to learn to scoop icecream and stuff.
it still was boring,the aunties occasionally talk to me,we had rather stale conversations like studies and bullshit that anyone can conjure up.

it felt like a wasted day,until nearing closing time,this girl,probably in her early twenties,came alone to our kiosk.
there wasnt any other customers around,so i just stood not too near the scooping area,giving her space to checkout the icecream flavours,watching her,waiting for any signal of having made a decision.
she had light makeup on,quite attractive in a demure manner,she didnt seem like she was in a hurry.
in fact,she took her time peering quite intensively at the icecreams.then she looked up a little,and noticed that there was more flavours on the other side of the kiosk,so she walked over to the other side,and continued letting her eyes rest on each flavour for a few seconds.
they were dark brown,her eyes,she didnt once lift or squeeze her brows to show any acknowledgement of flavours she did or didnt recognize.
she took a longer time than other usual customers examining the ice creams,i gave her more respect as one who didnt just go for a safe and boring chocolate chip.
she had dyed her hair,with bland streaks of gold,it was really flowy and nice,not highlighted like some ahlian,it fell down past her shoulders,a short way.
she paced to the other side,and still kept at the icecream,like it was intriguing to see so many flavours.
so up and down she paced,looking at each section three times,before finally pausing at one spot and standing nearer to the glass.it seemed like she finished contemplating,after at least a good fifteen minutes.
she did.
she looked up at me,and joined her glossed lips to give me a little smile,in response to mine as a greeting.
then as she spoke,everything turned to slow motion,her excited eyes opening wide,glancing fleetingly downwards as she aimed her black fingernails toward the glass,softly stabbing in,and then her voiced floated out.
it was a little slurred,
canihave
the accent started working into my head
then a little pause,looking up again,now sure of her order,
one banana crunch
and with the 'crunch' her lips pursed with her accent,so momentarily,
followed by another smile to signal the end of her order.

a thousand thoughts flooded into my mind in that second,
accent placed,japanese.
her face melted,metaphorically,when the thought registered,like the face was finally put in its place-a japanese,
the extra senses kicked in-probably feeling out of place in this country,give a bigger smile to make her feel comfortable in here at least.

so i followed up with
just one.?
and her smile turned up as she nodded with childish pleasure.
scooping up her icecream into the cone,handing it over to her with another smile[with less fake emotions put into it than usual],then handing over her cone,glancing at what remained of her eyes gazing at the icecream,as she handed me some money,and her smile naturally widened as she gave a polite,accented thank you.
and as i returned the change into her soft palm we exchanged smiles again,as i replied with an extra courteous
thank you.

and then everything sped up to normal again,as she walked away,tongue caressing the icecream.

and so i thought about the experience while i helped do the closing-i like jap accents cos it sounds really innocent,pure,youthful[if i have kids maybe ill make them learn that LOL].
and the smiles that come and go everyday aint really masks anymore,theyre just plasters.no one cares for whats on your face because its not to be a surprise to be courteous,no one appreciates the real thing much anymore.

and,the people that come and go,is this life.?theres so many people that,who means to who.?i could have been more friendly,i was seriously thinking of adding in a risky
arigato
and a knowing smile,it might spark off something.she might respond with more than a smile that time.
it might lead to something i would be really happy with,something that would have made my day.

so all i wanted,all the time,after being genuinely nice to her,
to just have

a lick of ice cream from her cone,
not any more
from a pathetic
little
sample
spoon.

+

threaded crosses dont give up,
the nights rain not,
when two is many
and you start running
away
away
where.

dim lightning you see,
three orange lights in the distance
fading
fading as you frantically
blink away,
listen to the owls
and lie down on your
bed again,
for the world,in the
backstage is secretly,
quietly,
proud of you.

un-mayer.

2006-02-11T01:05:00.000+08:00

un-mayer.

fuck,id alr typed my post out and blogger.com must be down for maintenance in the bloody afternoon for one bloody hour so i lost my post when i published it at that time.

z.
its onetwelve and i need to wake at sixfifteen to go to tkd and then work.it feels sucky alr to be working.or maybe its just yesterday[friday].
will have to put this post off again,and i hate doing that,like since last week alr.
screw i gotta do jo's boss's job fastfastfast.

to be continued-
friday dreams bad morning loveless skies
thursday fairfield mayer v work mayer go home mayer
monday pp ms j

im losing track of dates and times so easily now.
its gonna be fourteenfeb soon.
i dont give a damn about valentines day,its bullshit for lousy people.
i have to return my four archer books on fourteenfeb,and thisday is also onemonth before mday.

sirens,gray bangles,
remembered roars and
duplicated moons,
little bunny wants out.
i cry because i dont know
how.

at twentythree storeys.

2006-02-04T01:05:00.000+08:00

at twentythree storeys.

it is hard to see or hear the cats yowl and tear each other's coats.
i cannot watch a suicide from the inside of my window.

cherry blossoms in the window of the bloodstained kitchen.
it felt that way in my room too,when we were watching kill bill today.

she folded my snake in half.

i yearn to bring my red skipping ropes for a spin.

im feeling weak,and am not enjoying it.sunday will be anticipated.

slash roar silent blood,
monotony cracked by a splinter,
keep holding on to your pitiful
and beautiful
lips,
and keep wishing for
death.

over again we part without meet.

2006-02-03T01:30:00.000+08:00

over again we part without meet.

singing to 'strange and beautiful',with my transparent mouthguard-like retainers,and surprisingly the melodies merge well.

its been a lifetime.
over the past weeks,i have been happy.spending a few days of cny without having to run around with my family,the experience couldnt be swapped with a few more angpaos.

we sat up till five in your home playing mahjong,then falling asleep to the first fifteen minutes of tomyumgoong.
there was pampering food that truly gave the taste of home.
there were many exchanges of smiles,the word 'stranger' did not exist that night,and i have until then never seen parents who give the comfort of friends.

we sat up till three in your lawn when your mom chided that it was late.
there were your cosy containers,beautiful music.
there were long walks,chips at the busstop,hunting for things for passing cars to run over.
if only,we were really related in the way we play it,i would get hugs more often.

we gathered for pizza and reruns of old movies,at tenplus we had to leave your house to get home early,but hung around the void deck talking and almost missing the last buses.
there were laughs,there always is around you people.
it feels like a brotherhood,we may not share everything but we will never part.

we spent half the day at your place,reminiscing,just talking at the dinner tables.
there was lion dance,and was another gathering to talk and catch up.we have gone through alot,yet each is short-lived.still,the familiarity is there,i feel at home with you people.
i guess whats different here is the respect for each other.

i just felt like what i typed above isnt justified by what i felt.im losing my blogging sense.on a moody day i woulda just deleted everything away.

work has been quite good,my first day wasnt that bad tho it was busier than usual weekdays.i still flinch at the sight of cigarette packs,and want to beat them to pulp.
theyre a nice crew there at marina.

in the weeks,memories have been raked up,a sigh of twisted,hollow emotions dance around in my head more than my heart.but i dont regret having this chance to think everything over again,i always surprise myself.

is life not boring.?
i wonder why there isnt any confucius,or wachowski brothers gang wanting to change the direction of where this world is going.we are born,to learn and work,maybe have a family,then die.is there no purpose in life,if we were the most intelligent beings on the planet.?how are we different from the ants that invade our homes.
we spend resources on wanting to kill each other,we make money to spend on nothing to be remembered.
is this world really so superficial.?i dont believe,with all that mankind has evolved into,that we dont have anything else to do.
this train of thought is however,for one of the few times,going unanswered.but has no one else questioned.?

in state of fear by michael crichton,it hints at another ice age.
[from here on,its all my thinking]
we will all most probably die out,in the next few thousand years,few million,who cares.
but the point is,we will never control the world.so what are we doing now.?waiting for another calamity to come,then announce to the whole world that we will die in a few days.?
we know that dinosaurs died out.

the national geographic channel,though,told me that our ancestors were once specks of living creatures in the oceans,not unsimilar to worms,together with reptiles,insects and plants,all spontaneously created when the earth cooled or warmed or something happened.five hundred billion years ago,i think.
we were the smallest fries in the ocean,hiding and hiding until oceans receded and land was formed,and we evolved bigger and better than the superior bugs cos their heavy shells restricted them from evolving bigger due to gravity.so us mammals,warm blooded creatures and what not grew in numbers,and eventually yes,our ape ancestors,evolved into more intelligent beings.
[this is one of the reasons why im an atheist.]
so are we going to evolve more,surviving all the sudden climate changes,or,like the dinosaurs,be wiped out and the whole process resetted,and having new species on this world,this universe.?
i have always believed that humans would die out sooner or later.its just a feeling.because the way the world is now,seems like we deserve it.
[and this is one of the reasons why i would have preferred to grow up in a country town,farming,having kids,and dying,all the thinking and sadness would be spared.]

i dont know what im typing anymore,this isnt a good post at all.all bloody rubbish.i should delete this post,but well,it will reflect next time.

the geisha,on tv,reminded me of my blogskin's geisha.why do they always copy me.

forcing eyes shut,
yearning for the wind
to cleanse the mind.
the water has dried up,
why do you run away so.

what was left came through.

2006-01-20T01:58:00.000+08:00

what was left came through.

today,griller at tiong bahru plaza accepted me for parttime job :].
today,i wrote an email.
and today,in spite of the anticipation of the busy days ahead,
my emotions are painfully cold.

im beginning to question the purpose of this blog again.
but i will try to update the oct. section and improve this blog soon.
and i must remember to post some thought-rants.its been a long time since i freed my mind.

i used to love emails,but email faded,for me,when the relationship between me and the only person who talked to me through it,was allowed to drift.

i miss the times when i would wait for her email,then reply,then wait another few minutes,we found a little more childish satisfaction in that,than the overrushed pace of msn conversations.

its funny how ive stopped missing the old times,when therere more recent ones to remember.
and then when each is relived,that particular memory is missed,even fonder than the previous.

probably,that is why i hate memories;and missing them;we all drift further away from peace as we grow older,as we understand the notion of peace itself,better.

is life not saddening.?

the cap of gray
so respectfully shunned,
what relief for it,what
shame for it.
of another million brothers,
he knew they would never
hold a grudge,
not ever.

how i miss those book reviews now.

2006-01-16T21:39:00.000+08:00

how i miss those book reviews now.

the greatest joy i find in books are the moments where i find writings of the kind which i have always wanted to express but had difficulty with bringing it across easily.its these little delicate things that i yearn to learn,which will never come from non-fiction books.maybe thats why i always loved imagination: impossible is nothing.
to some it may be just another bunch of words,but i think that the way the reader receives and responds to it reflects alot on himself/herself.
i love the way he pulls it off so easily,just ordinary words,with each word striking up different waves of images,resonating,merging with the next few words,like they were born to match.
and also even though ive never been to any of those places,it felt as if i have,the pictures just flood my mind like im the character itself.
thats how fiction should be.

page 423-424,paperback 'state of fear',by michael crichton.

"But you're telling me you guys shot them?"Evans looked from Kenner to Sanjong.
"They shot first," Kenner said.
"Jesus," Evans said. "Three deaths?" He bit his lip.
But in truth,he was feeling a contradictory reaction. He would have expected his native caution to take over--a series of killings, possibly murders, he was an accomplice or at the very least a material witness, he could be tied up in court, disgraced, disbarred . . . That was the path his mind usually followed. that was what his legal training had emphasized.
But at this moment he felt no anxiety at all. Extremists had been discovered and they had been killed. He was neither surprised nor disturbed by the news. On the contrary, he felt quite satisfied to hear it.
He realized then that his experience in the crevasse had changed him--and changed him permanently. Someone had tried to kill him. He could never have imagined such a thing growing up in suburban Cleveland, or in college, or law school. He could never have imagined such a thing while living his daily life, going to work at his firm in Los Angeles.
And so he could not have predicted the way that he felt changed by it now. He felt as if he had been physically moved--as if someone had picked him up and shifted him ten feet to one side. He was no longer standing in the same place. But he had also been changed internally. He felt a kind of solid impassivity he had not known before. There were unpleasant realities in the world, and previously he had averted his eyes from them, or changed the subject, or made excuses for what had occured. He had imagined that this was an acceptable strategy in life--in fact, that it was a more humane strategy. He no longer believed that.
If someone tried to kill you, you did not have the option of averting your eyes or changing the subject. You were forced to deal with that person's behavior. The experience was, in the end, a loss of certain illusions.
The world was not how you wanted it to be.
The world was how it was.
There were bad people in the world. They had to be stopped.
"That's right," Kenner was saying, nodding slowly."Three deaths. Isn't that right,Sanjong?"
"Thats right," Sanjong said.
"Screw 'em," Evans said.
Sanjong nodded.
Kenner said nothing.

my dad has been pestering me to read his motivational book,dare to fail.by some funny duno-what-happened-and-dont-bother-to-remember guy.these motivational books,i guess,can be lifechanging.but doesnt it just cut your paths and imaginations down if you dont approach it with an open mind.?
ive recently been looking at my tarot deck,and it always seems to have the right solutions because they are sorta motivational in nature.always positive.
and i just thought of comparing it to the christian bible.i wont say its bullshit because it does help,but to what limitations.?

sometimes,everything else seems so wrong out there that you dont feel like finding out anymore about the world.

everything so grande
clouded out by one speck of
hate.
crush the anomalies of
order,when you know
santa's about to turn
mad.

for one to survive,one must kill.

2006-01-09T22:09:00.001+08:00

for one to survive,one must kill.

i remember repeating this line when i was at an ncc course,the master sergeant making us do so before letting us attempt to kill,de-feather and skin quails and frogs,barehandedly.
'For survival in the wild.'

its been rather eventful id say,but life these days seem to have no meaning.
maybe its because im losing sense without school.its feels so dangerous to be unchained,somehow.

there is no need for words for i will always remember the fuckers.
and the ones that mean to me.

memories placed on the table
are still debris of nothingness.
the senses you fake,
you create,you lie about,
they all convulse to tell you,
in a pulsing moment,
what you never were.

who goes there.

2005-12-26T23:16:00.000+08:00

who goes there.

finally able to post.past week has been good.esp genting.
mm.on the materialistic side,had lotsa fun with tkd people,rubbishing all the way.enjoyed ourselves muchly.
it was different being overseas on my own,with these tkd friends ive never really been out with before.it felt like i left everything back in singapore,and that felt damn heartening.
memories of which will never fade.

patterns,the judges were obviously biased,so i lost my chance.who cares.
sparring on the second day,hooted this malaysian 2nd dan.hes a nice guy,felt quite bad for flying-punching his face :/.the next round faced up with an indian,he had some powerful kicks.by the time i got around to thrashing his guts after he shagged out,was rather late into the match,couldnt turn the tables enough to win.so had to settle with a bronze in my under 54,17 and above category.kinda disappointed,i reflected and knew i could have won with a bit more calm in my mind.my coach's words towards the end of that match remains burned in my head:
"He shag already,whack him.!"

i did.i knew i did,after he told me to do so.why didnt i do it myself earlier.?bah.they told me that that i gave him the best fight out of all and that caused him to lose to the gold medallist[he kept getting chased out of the ring cos apparently i beat him up quite nicely],but it gives me no comfort.i was so wanting to go another round.it feels different when sparring with a stranger,with someone you know you can do your best and have it appreciated.

rather tired,will continue sometime soon with the rather philosophical side of the genting trip another time.
may take time tho,hard to get net now that my mum killed my net at home.bah.

many things are unfolding.
i shall consult my tarot and piano before i sleep.

the next time]

my mum fixed my net back.

ive decided on going to poly,prolly np business.

thats cos my reexams failed.

i think thats bloody bullshit cos my econs paper was quite well done and far from a f grade.

i have a suspicion that they gave me fs for both my reexam papers cos they didnt want too many in the j2 class.

there would be too many cos some[or at least one] would be joining our class since they dropped subjects.

but then again quite a few retained/withdrew from sch.

so tmr im going to find my econs teacher and ask who marked it since she replied my sms that she didnt mark it but didnt reply when i asked whether she knew who did.

ive been imagining that i find that teacher and my paper and i passed the paper,so i go to the new principal and blow it up in her face,and when she offers me the promotion i wouldnt take it tho i really want to.

fuck,ill miss the jc days,the friends,the tennis.

the cards,the things i havent done in there,the waiting for the few minutes to recess,the furious note-copying,the walking in/out of sch in the rain and sweater,the lockers,the pianos,the pe,the escaping.

the wanting to run to the edge of the field and roaring.

sigh.

ive been out alot with m,and s and b and d.been at borders devouring all the asterixes on the asterix shelf they put up again :].when i left two or three times without finishing the collection i didnt feel satisfied until i did.and i did.haha.
been enjoying myself rather well,the hols this time quite relaxing.
but ohwell,other things to worry/regret/be sad about.bah.

bought a tarot deck.its good,but it seems more like a motivational thing than a magical prediction unknown powers thing.gotta experience it more tho.

i miss tkd cos of all the christmas and new year things.

i dont know what to post about anymore.everything seems terribly wrong.
and the world feels like its going to end.crash down.dissolve.so slowly,so sadly.

of the twenty rages,
strike one recalls the hate,
you keep going,you keep
lunging.
when it all ends,
youll believe,
nothing ends.

centenary of death

2005-12-03T01:21:00.000+08:00

centenary of death

BLINK.hello people.so-its my hundredth post with a new skin to go with it.ha.quite lucky to chance upon it so soon really-had been looking with the category 'black' and i almost finished browsing all 400 skins before i found this.none of their skins were of what i wanted.wanted something less ordinary[i still consider this skin ordinary],like having a cool linking system within it and stuff.but the picture really caught me and i like the draggable titles thingy,tho hell knows whats it useful for[i think imma create a code with that.heh.]

mm,the picture struck me first to be damn cool cos it speaks so much yet so little that its beautiful.and check out the hair-i want that.exactly.ive imagined so many styles with that length and texture of hair before,seriously.bah.
i duno whats the damn bunny doing there tho.doesnt look like any trademark or part of the tree-was contemplating whether it was meant to be a bunny.may edit it off soon.
and the skin is quite small,and the font so plain.tried changing a few fonts but they dont really fit,i guess ill create differentiation with my words then.

i think im talking funny,and it isnt the time.
just finished reexams today,and the papers werent really good.i do hope i pass econs tho.i really didnt perform up to expectation,and if i fail,fuck man.im alr beginning to be comfortable with my tutor.
no,i wont fail.but i wont score well like i thought i would have a chance to.

and piano recital rehearsals are less than twentyfive hours away,duno whos gonna come with my mum,prob my sis,and only p and jy coming.i dont think its worth the twenty either way,it seriously is too elementary a piece for me to be proud of.

i feel the same as i was after promos-blank.no anticipation of results cos i thought i would promote,and no happiness anywhere cos i knew i could do better,as always.
i remember,following louis cha's comic series of the return of the condor heroes.xiao long nu was said to be brought up where emotions were considered detrimental as in saps energy and shortens your life.after finishing the series,i sorta followed this belief for awhile cos it seemed rational.i stopped myself from smiling almost immediately when i did,when i began to be angry i blanked my mind.i felt this peace-whether artificial or not,that i am not afraid to show what i really feel.i think,from then i also realized that there is more than opposites like happiness and sadness in the world,there is something in between,something that has a range,that cannot be defined.discovering that at like,p5 or p6 i thought it was something really philosophically correct.so it stuck.
over the years ive found that it was not that universe-changing to believe in that,but i still do so anyway.when i laugh really heartily,or is sad and angry,i have this subconscious thought that it is harmful,blank your mind to find peace.of course i can control it,and it doesnt affect my emotions anymore,but ive learnt alot from small things like this.

i was thinking of changing my post style into something like a neverending story.every entry,a chapter or something,i think it would help portray my innermost feelings better.mm since i got an extra space in this layout,i might start it there instead.

eh sleepy.die another day.

contd;

recital wasnt exactly fun.was quite dead to me,but i think,rather loud for them.i felt like,i was doing it for the sake of it.
i wouldnt mind some sake tho.

its been boring,as usual.friends alot,yes,im happy on the surface.im happy to be in their company,im happy to break the monotony of this house.i feel good when im out,or when i invite people over to my place for mahjong or just to spend time.
but on friday,i was supposed to be happy,brought two groups of friends together,they got alot well,we mahjonged.
during mahjong i felt the life in me seeping away,like the aircon was numbing my emotions,something was terribly amiss.
there is no spark to carry my soul to look forward to another day.
ill teach myself to create life from nothing.

its a relief to get away from schoolwork finally,but of course revision and homework still nag me from that distant corner.i ignore it,at least,until after twentythird.

yesterday was s's birthday,we met near seven in town,m joined us for dinner at pepper lunch.i like beef,i like eggs and i like bean sprouts[there was a bowlful],so i liked it alot.
i hope i didnt kill her pepper lunch with my friends and me tho.
tostory.

oh,i dont like it that the media describe switchfoot as a 'christian rock band'.maybe they are.

tmr is wed,and wed means tennis.i want to play tennis.

i feel like my life is draining away,so quickly.escaping through my fingers.
but i know the tkd tournament will do me some good.
i need to write.write,and talk to some people i know who will bring me peace.

centenary of death indeed,i hoped this woulda been a more cheerful entry.ha.
linkin park's my december plays on.

dotter's birthday is coming :].

think i should start the first few lines of my oct after this;
a tribute to the drawing.

red,
the petals that spill,
diminishing,
matching the beautiful
white.
deathly white,of her face,
she walks blind,the little
rends in her kimono,
looking like a machine gun
had fed her heartily.
red,
her sash,like her only
companion,her only
reason to live and smile.
she lifts her hand,as if
in instinct
for comfort,for
the black,
sharp shadows she sensed,
steadily creep to surround her.
then she meets a friend;
the cherry blossom,blooming red
petals,she feels
safe under him.
as his arms slowly wrap around
her;
to protect.
the black surges up,
the red remains calm,steady,
ready to meet it.
she knows the
black and the red will
tear each other apart,for
eternity.
over her.
so her tears fall,as if in decor.
red,
her tears,his petals,
her sash,his ribbon for her.
the petals that spill,
diminishing,
matching the beautiful
black,
bloodred.

the date is 25 november,2005.

2005-11-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

the date is 25 november,2005.

i just returned from town,and my head is heavy,but im not drunk.it was the champagne.
it would have been more fun for all of us,i didnt think a night out could kill my reexam grades.

my face and ears are red.and my eyes,most importantly.they look fit for a killer.

and to think i thought i should trust more easily,when i entered jc.
i think,i should really dig up my masks and put them back on.
even for this blog.its losing its meaning now i cant fully trust its audience.

ominously,its my 99th post.

i am sad.

this is what i saved into my phone,earlier at youth park.

afraid to lose control,
you see the deja vu
evolve into a full-fledged rampage.
no,drinking doesnt
drown blackness.
so the heart
turned black.

the octisM is burning.

while they lasted.

2005-11-24T00:56:00.000+08:00

while they lasted.

sigh.i wanna curse and scream just that little bit.i lost all my nicest photo files cos i didnt unhide the files when i backed them up.so they just got deleted.damn sad la.memories of sec3,s,c,e,g,y,q,b,d,yf.so many i cant remember.why,why.

society is deteriorating.
and whatre we gonna do about it.?
die.

the voice hits the ground
as soon as my people do.
spin to a halt,eyes wide.
flowing stills,glimpse the
glaring golden glints.

everything will be black someday.

2005-11-22T14:32:00.000+08:00

everything will be black someday.

the best people are those who can touch you from so far away,even without communication.thank you for reminding me that i do have such friends; the world is bettered by these individuals.

its been raining before i woke,the skies are clothed in the damask white,the veil over everything else outside my window reminds me that i could be a toy to another.even so the care fades away with reminiscence of the night before,of what reminiscence it brought.perhaps sweet nothings can better describe the cliff of my window.

i know i have to turn back to my blank foolscap,and it is white too,but somehow,the solidity is harsh,but i am teethered,to not to break it.

foreign languages spouting the same
mushy,romantic lyrics,you might not
understand but still think it worthy
of your mask.
why not,the clean and innocent
peace be treated as such.?

bouncing on my fingertips.

2005-11-19T13:45:00.000+08:00

bouncing on my fingertips.

maybe its because she put the livestrong back on upside down.

and the trend of the year is to put your shirt on the other way round.

grip the simple papercut
staunch one and then raise your guard.
if you want to see more blood
close your eyes and lunge at your heart.

catch my roar.

2005-11-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

catch my roar.

and i would reply,i know everything,and nothing.

hell of a week and weeks to come.and hell means good.
the thought of screwing jc out of my life came back to me while killing econs this morning.

i feel like setting up my shell again.id get to grab and thrash anyone who dares to intrude.
ill dig up my pitiful diary.

just like 2.4,i know life wont give me a break.but i really hope aliens would zap me outta my bed to live somewhere i can see the pretty moon big in my face,boldly alluring.
or maybe,just some kind souls wanting to kidnap some seventeen year-old for fun.

its saddening when you take a
second glance,that you realize
itll be gone by the third,so you
dont let that hold go.why so
was the rope making you fly.?
you oughta found another to
tie them together,then walk
away altogether nonchalant,
sad,but telling yourself that
being so would only
make you
wrinkly.

so the moon suddenly barked,
neptune.!lend me your trident.
what grace she possessed,
she flaunted with the moment.
tonight she hunts,tonight she
will make peace rain.
tonight,she will invoke her
wrath,her charm,
and her sins.

lightning rain.

2005-11-13T05:26:00.000+08:00

lightning rain.

so i woke up twentysix minutes ago to a proper lightning storm.high up and far away,the clouds didnt emit much thunder to me.but the beautiful,shy streaks kept flashing away,almost without stopping.the skies seem to be relieving its pain.or is it because my parents will be back tonight.?
its the first time i felt so confused over something so charming.

the grilles they
force,they push
and cut the orange
skies.the lights they
sigh,and emit no cries.
so what is left for the time
being,is lightning.

mind connected eyes.

2005-11-12T14:12:00.001+08:00

mind connected eyes.

yesterday night i was so tired i didnt bother to finish my entry and i just closed it.but its times like these that i think life is worth living.

my parents and sis are overseas,so im quite free when im home now.till sunday,at least.
i felt so free on tues when they left.

monday was op,wasnt that much of a shit-i-pronounced-capital-punishment-wrongly-kill-me-now thing.more of like an english oral exam you have to study for.
slacked till tennis trng at joyce's house mahjonging :x.was really on good form that day.then called p go coffee bean with me.shouldnt have ordered the caramel apple tho.disappointing.talked bout so many things,realized more.then went to see the world around us exhibition thingy just outside wheelock.some of the pics were really thought-evoking.enjoyed them.i havent stayed out for so long,the boundful night is always undeservingly neglected.

tues just sat arnd after they left,then went for piano.busybusy,i forgot what happened on tues alr.z.oh.had tkd at 7 cos this brazilian guy was coming to train with us for his first time.and as always,when theres someone new or alot of people watching,sir would always give us extra rigorous conditioning for warmup.i like mind pushing days.

wed was rushy and my bag was bursting.tennis trng then it rained,i didnt join them for pt,went to tkd again.then came home to pia my i&r for pw the next day.couldnt concentrate properly and went to rest at 0330 plus.didnt feel like waking at 0630 to finish,so had to rush like crazy.finished it in time and went to sch to hand it up and do up our group file.

thurs went to piano after the filing thing.i like our performance piece alot but i think its too short although its technically really long.need to cram it into my brain together with reexam studies too.invited people over to mahjong.heh.p,m,m,j and gs came.wasnt that blastatiously fun compared to the night.still,i hope they had fun esp when i think all of them stays so far from tiong.when they went off after dinner j and p stayed the night.played more mahjong till like five fortyfive.was super fun with them arnd,paying tribute to the moon by laughing and blasting music.and aircon brings me to another realm.my own realm.but i still think its artificial.i and they wanna have another mahjong-talk-joke-bitch stayover soon.heh.

so friday,they went off at arnd 8 after the two hours of rest.didnt wanna sleep anymore so i slacked and prepared to go to fairfield to find c.was her birthday,we surprised her and went to the tea party.played hangman with yf yay :].havent seen them for such a long time.chilled nicely.then had tennis trng in sch.wasnt at my best cos damn tired le.less than five hours of sleep in two days.couldnt really keep my eyes closed with my mind open the last few hours of friday.or was it vice versa.

just went to henry park to assist tkd,and back for tuition in a few min.still tired,seven hours isnt enough sleep yet.hope i dont doze in front of him esp in my first lesson.econs is boring still.some sajc lecturer.he will be my trigger to studying for reexam.while waiting for him,i think ill nap on the table.afterall tiong is a small place.

need to sleep early tonight cos need to wake early tmr drill some bratty kids for tkd tournament.so last minute la.z.i hate sleeping early,but my body needs the rest.
sad life.i envy insomniacs like jy.

press the doorbell,boy
and i shall reflexively get
my legs off the mattress.
you dont know how much
ive put in you
ever since ive been teethered
to believe that
i can fly without wings.
fools.

gone and back again.

2005-11-05T00:24:00.000+08:00

gone and back again.

why am i screwing myself over those two immature losers.?i have a better life than that.
at tkd,at piano,at tennis,even in sch.
yes then i come back and lock myself in my room and sleep soon after.
i will stay out more.who needs their idiocy anyway.i dont care.

project work gets on my nerves.never ending train of work to do.
plus the reexam.i duno how to cope,i dont want it.

im damn tired.i considered not blogging this entry but ohwellwhatthefuck,i might clean my blog up soon.

no mood and energy to blog alr la.i wanna go sit at borders soon and devour a book.

melted and disappearing,
the chipped glare presented
faux.no what three assisted,
dont tell me you havent
tried.then,sing.

close your eyes,then grin.

2005-10-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

close your eyes,then grin.

i thought it was only 940 cos my computer clock said so.

like my mind,i dont know what to type here anymore,tho i know i have so much to.

its already 2339.i dont see it as time flying,i see it as my life passing away.
like when youre born,youre starting to die.you decompose the moment you step out of the womb.
and by 100[ive always wanted to live to 100],bodies are ready to complete the process.

but anyway,the year has passed too quickly,as always.
m reminded me of that.

its chinese ao lvl tmr.i wanted to sleep at 2230.i guess i reap what i sow,and the rains dont favor me.then we're gonna collect results.im most probably failing the promos.reexams,i duno whether i wanna take cos it clashes with my piano recital.and no,the reexams are not as important as my recital.

all my life ive felt so alone.
thats because the world is.
painful.

i dont know,whether i should keep to myself in school from now.

i want to write,so much.

keep that sigh
in your lungs,
even though
you have to
suffocate,to
writh to
death,
to see
why.

you get so sick of
thirty stereotypical
poem methods.
they dont fucking
enhance any shit
if you think about it.
because in the end
you still feel
as empty
as cold
and as jaded.

wtf.?

2005-10-29T20:14:00.000+08:00

wtf.?

its a fucking hobby of theirs.
my mother just opened my door and starting scolding me for no fucking reason.
i neednt say anything about my father.
fucking spoilt my night.

three years too
the presence will never linger,
no longer.

the mask cracks.

2005-10-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

the mask cracks.

yes,i thought of it yesterday,i dont need to care.she told me so,too.
today,i think the same,again.

you get home,the smile
and nonchalance
fades.breaks.shatters into
rage.
what the fuck,you think,
am i doing.?
wasting the life,
where you could die in your sleep
any day.
and still,there will be no god
to wake you up from your funk.
surprise,three tells you,you are right.
he may care,but what difference does it
make.?
you havent told the grim reapers.
or rather,worse,the perfectly sepulchral
couple.
you blank your mind for no rainbow,
black or otherwise,can be conjured.
then,you dont care anymore.
at least,for
today.

the clown from the past.

2005-10-23T01:02:00.000+08:00

the clown from the past.

the orange night skies are always so beautiful because the rest of the world outside my window is orange too.bright,star-like lights from faraway highrises and harbour cranes,mellow,calm lights from the stumpy,quaint houses below me.orange everywhere,the dim cosiness brings the peace to the world,never happening in the piercing sun.

it doesnt feel like one in the morning,but my eyes weigh down so.perhaps it was the bath.ever since like pri4,ive always taken cold baths.i think the cold is nice.i think i feel more appreciative of the soothing water if its cold than warm.

it is going to rain,the winds make me smile,and the scent of damp rainy air is unmistakable.and i express disgust at people who dislike rain and automatically link rain to melancholy.
beautiful,faded orange.

went out with s,b,d today,i enjoy their company so much more now that i know how painfully normal people can be,from pj.i miss hanging out with s too.pool,crappy jokes,talk.

the wind only howls when my window is closed.science people may tell me the reason for it,but i feel that it gets lonely too.

tkd tmr,gonna have sparring :].its late,and i gotta wake early.sigh.i hope i feel recharged,at least.these few days i havent been having enough rest,and its not like i could make much choice.

pw will get on,its almost done.left with oral presentation and insights and reflections.bah,more pricks.

waters in colourful
clothes,bid your
sets to stop the rain.
faded,you wont see the sky,
dieded.

you cannot ignore stupidity.

2005-10-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

you cannot ignore stupidity.

bah,good days turning bad are the worst.

no mood to blog.i was emotionless enough to want to blog about life and death.isnt so appealing now.ill leave it till next time.

why are people so shallow.?once again,i feel so out of place in this world.like the whole world's a malfunctioned machine designed for me,to toy my life by.like im a main character on an entertainment show for aliens,and everything else in the world are my props.like a goldfish in my bowl,and the owner putting in another one so i wouldnt be lonely.like i fucking care.
so those who think i sound so damn narcisstic,you can jolly well fuck off cos if you dont know me well enough and i judging you as mature enough to understand me,then you wouldnt have been given my blog address in the first place.
im not questioning relationships as well.i treasure them well.but its inevitable that so many others are useless live-and-die people.
i dont understand,why so many people of this age are myopic in their mind.
sigh.

so overthrow three tapes,
if you ever swear
to die.look up and say,
anyway,what a beautiful day.

embrace the white skies.

2005-10-02T13:12:00.000+08:00

embrace the white skies.

what a lovely day it is,the beautiful cold wind and rain just caressing me since morning.up here 23storeys above ground,closer to the magnificent skies,clouds,rain,and the wind less shy.
i love the cold.i dont wanna sleep and wrap myself up in a blanket,i just love feeling the cold on my skin.not an artificial from aircon,but the continuous rush of cold wind just refreshes me,and brings me peace.i dont feel like studying,but im not lazy,i dont feel like lying on my bed.i want to climb up and stand on the roof[havent tried,willdo after promos.or maybe later.] and close my eyes and feel the wind and rain whip around me.having the howling wind[literally,it howls when it gets v strong up here,damn cool.] remove every trace of thought from my mind.itll be my world.

i smile when i see my bunny curled up.

was at v's place friday through sat.i loved it.felt these two days were really productive cos had proper study table and no other distractions.food and music were incentives :D.really glad i was there,made me feel like studying was an interesting thing.even when being tired at four in the morning.v's study music keeps me awake but wasnt distracting.in fact it felt like i could study better with the music.had peanut butter kitkat,groundnuts,pomelos[is it pomelo season.?i found one in my fridge too :l] and more.i love the porridge.we studied till about one before walking to kap macs to have some dessert,more to take a break.then continued till about 4 when the light started flickering and we had to move to the hall-the tv damn big.mtv: eminem's ass like that looked out of proportion and his never-blinking-wide-blue-eyes looked even bigger and his emotionless face looked even more flat.coldplay's fix you sounded so calming with the scenery.had finished history and couldnt absorb much econs.went outside later,sitting on the dew-laden plastic chair stargazing.v knows the stars well;different colours is different age.i saw white blue and red.then a big mass of orange clouds blanketed the whole sky,i fell asleep for a few minutes before going back into the hall to catch more wink.everything peaceful.
for the first time,i didnt feel guilty when we took breaks cos i did so much study.
i realized that my standard of english has dropped alot in pj also,looking at v's gp essay,i remembered being able to make an essay sound im writing a book too.
her older sis and bro is so cool too,envy her for having a close relationship with them.

her friend m came over on both nights,and i really appreciate these people who are friendly and add life to life.not like most of the people in sch,that you rather have them not show their immaturity via the gap.

a big thank you to mommy v and m for showing me thats theres still places that i can be comfortable at :].hope your sprain is better.

its going to be a few good days,meeting y tmr,and r has delayed,but nevertheless promised to quit smoking by friday.

the love i feel,
so infinitely peaceful,so
breathable.like flowing music
sliding over a sleeping fairy.
call upon nothing
but your soul,
to fly away,
with me,
again.

stigmatized.

2005-09-26T22:46:00.000+08:00

stigmatized.

this evening when i was rushing out from school i put my mp3 on,and heard "stigmatized" by the calling for the first time.something sounded familiar.i repeated it.and throughout the journey home.

fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck.

deja deja vu.

2005-09-23T23:36:00.000+08:00

deja deja vu.

the other evening i was in sch doing gothic mindmap with m,b and s,and i drew a line across the paper to link some concepts,and a really strong deja vu took place.i knew i would cross in the space near the main title so i had to dot the lines,i had a feeling i would draw long dotted lines for fun,and the next moment i did that,then at the end of the title's boundary i knew i would hesitate and in doing so the ink would blot,and it happened,and when i was concerned about not letting it blot more i would hasten and do something wrong while hurrying to finish the link,and i drew across some other point and just felt that they would exclaim at what i did,and they did.
i was blank for a moment after that,duno out of shock or bewilderment that it was the first time i couldnt control/stop a deja vu from progressing more when i felt it.sounds like fucking rubbish,so sue me.
another deja vu the next day in mr y's class tho i couldnt remember anything other than i asked the question that i did,before.

dont know if my priority is studying for promos,piano or tkd,but im giving my all into each of them,i dont care.i feel good doing so.

when i look out of my window now,
i still see the world 23 storeys higher
than i usually do,but it all seems
irrationally normal,while i feel my feet
on the hard parquet floor.
i could step out of my window
and trample on the little pretty orange
lamps and silhouettes of redheaded cars,
but i think,
it is better,
to return the moon's smile.

faster,faster,faster.

2005-09-19T21:03:00.000+08:00

faster,faster,faster.

impossible is nothing,and today i was inspired by mr y to work harder and not stop working.i havent tried it cos i knew i would never persevere.but today his assignment really made me realize that working continuously is not even near impossible.

it was pc class,he gave us 30 mins to do a poem crit analysis in mock exam conditions.then he explained abit here and there,corrected the ways we were supposed to go about on it,then gave us another 20 mins to do another one.we were quite reluctant but did it anyway.i couldnt concentrate much on it cos i was so drained from not having enough sleep.then time was up and he briefly asked like was it better this time and stuff,further telling us to reflect on what we did wrong and stuff,how to improve.and he set us to do a third poem in 10mins.we were like AHHHH WTF but got around to killing it anyway.it was on a poem about a hangman's life ;D.immediately got interested in it [and thought of yf too :b].only briefly glanced at the second poem option[actually didnt even see the content,saw 'compare and contrast' and 'shakespeare' and 'chaucer' then i flip back liao ;x] and started on it.mr y had told us that it was ideal squeeze all we can out of the poem first then organize and start writing,but i just went in straight away and when he came around to seeseelooklook he commented 'wah you diving straight into it ah.' haha.i replied yeah and i could feel his smile,lol.
later he told us that he put the poems in increasing difficulty,and i suddenly realized i could do the third poem better than the first and second.was quite happy[although i wanted to do qns b for it but mr y told us not to do it cos it was too hard or out of our syllabus or something] that i could persevere and kill them all if i wanted to.

i know studies can be fun and interesting but the society makes it so insanely[and compulsory-ly] competitive and thus miserable.
ive seen the other side.

hist test tmr,im going to murder it.

oh,and i like the elastic bands on my braces.damn cool and fun.cant wait for retainers[i sound crazy,i know] :x.

tag-reply

ade/hhhhey you.im fine,i was stressed,now im not.heh.yeah havent talked to you for so long.you never sit with us to crap alr haha.maybe ill tag over to your table with rach someday to do so,heh.thanks for your trust too :].jiayou for promos k bunny :x.![be honoured k,my bunnychu is so lovable & cute.show u pictures sometime :D.]

em/dont let your motivation leak away.!i just posted something motivational.get inspired too :d.btw,onions make you cry slowly,unemotionally and hence torturously.crying should be a relief :l.concentrate on promos and dont get affected by anything else[youknowwhatimean] yeah.itll be all over soon.

genia/no i dont "like indians",let alone men,so dont malign me.be glad im letting you call me daddyji again :D.thanks for your offer dotter.i think anyone who is down should call you,and theyd go high or insane :D.works both ways yeah.?

fengs/HANGQUEEN.!thankyou so much for cheering me up that night :].!hehs,post more often on sqnit's too :D.cantwaittwentyeighth ^^.

yen/im sure i will,hehs.but dont count on it cos i wanna forget it too.ill be able to explain over letters better.i hate ranting to someone else cos it sounds selfish and immature,so dont count on that too :l.whee,saw your tag on qy's too haha.thursday :].

The following poem is written by Carl Sandburg(1878-1967)

Either (a) Write a critical commentary on the poem.Examine in particular its use of voice and imagery.What would you say is the speaker's attitude towards the hangman?

Or (b) Bring into your imagination another occupation and compose a poem of your own,bearing in mind the approach taken in the original piece.Then write a brief appraisal on what you have written,indicating any difficulties you found and insights you gained into the style and structure of the original.
[i wanted to write for this question,a writer writing about his life and things that happen around the world but his opinion cannot be fully recognized because it is a public paper and some taboo opinions cannot be commercialized without bringing up a hullabaloo.then i would have continued that a writer[probably freelance to enhance the point] would earn quite a measly amount,but not being able to complain professionally as well.sounds little,but i HAD to do that AND analysis of it in a ten minutes,duh.]

The Hangman at Home [the inspiring one we did in class]

What does the hangman think about
When he goes home at night from work?
When he sits down with his wife and
Children for a cup of coffee and a
Plate of ham and eggs,do they ask
Him if it was a good day's work
And everything went well or do they
Stay off some topics and talk aout
The weather,baseball,politics
And the comic strips in the papers
And the movies?Do they look at his
Hands when he reaches for the coffee
Or the ham and eggs?If the little
Ones say,Daddy,play horse,here's
A rope - does he answer like a joke:
I seen enough rope for today?
Or does his face light up like a
Bonfire of joy and does he say:
It's a good and dandy world we live
In.And if a white face moon looks
In through a window where a baby girl
Sleeps and the moon-gleams mix with
Baby ears and baby hair - the hangman -
How does he act then?It must be easy
For him.Anything is easy for a hangman,
I guess.

step by step,mr. death.

2005-09-18T01:30:00.000+08:00

step by step,mr. death.

mum and dad up in kl,and im spending this few days like i just scored triple As for the 'A's.its probably cos i feel so free now without their presence,without their words.i guess this shows the extent of their influence on me.sigh.theyre just too into societal achievments.
i find it irritating that achieving paper grades are linked to being happy.because this country's society is so narrowminded.

i will study.

i dont understand how some people can be so self centred and dont know it.im sure they will regret someday.

got not enough oxygen to continue awake to blog properly;im typing and erasing rubbish.and ive got to wake at like 7 tmr for tkd.ohwell at least tkd and the people is good.damn its already two.

will reply tags soon.

over the river,
tut on the black forgettance.
double mysterio of the head,
dreams tell you to die.

too far.

2005-09-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

too far.

y
hows u?
s
i dont know.
y
hmm?
y
why?
s
i wanna quit jc
y
stress?
s
but i dont feel right doing so just because it popped into my mind.
s
not just stress
s
unneeded stress
y
hmm.
y
cant handle?
s
can
y
with?
y
not work rite?
s
but dont want to because its unneccessary
s
a blend la.
y
then.?
s
i feel too caged up
y
then let ur frustrations out somehow
s
people at jc arent people i feel they should be
y
why?
y
what do they do?
s
its not what they do,its what they dont do
y
what dont they do then?
s
do you find all your friends superficial.?
y
rather.
y
quite.
s
yeah.
y
i find that i cant bring myself to share any deeper than the surface.
s
is that the only problem with having no 'proper' friend.?
y
hmm.
y
what do u mean?
s
so what if you cant open up.?
s
what else is there if you feel unfree and unheard.
y
same as u.
s
?
y
i dunno what im talking abt.
y
what abt u?
s
i go to school dreading it.not because i feel uneasy there but that everyone is just.
y
just?
s
just people
s
not like individuals but just an uncharacterised mass,helpless and chained to society's expectations.

i dont like that.

and thats only one thing.

zei said jump,his neck
broke.then sister rie
shouted wake,she almost
died crying,and i still
cant hear little
nix.

too sorry.

2005-09-10T01:14:00.000+08:00

too sorry.

switched on the comp to blog[again] cos i just had to put down some current emotions.

just read m's blog,and the melancholic peace has come over me again.almost cried again.this few days ive been feeling like crying,just for the comfort of it,i havent cried since like,a year.when reading the prodigal daughter again,i knew what would happen next at one part,yet i still almost cried-when i didnt so much the first time round.the feeling's there,like sneezing,but more soothing,less abrupt.
like someone/something's there to caress away the worries,silently,knowingly.

i havent been paying attention to myself for a long time.

they tell me
it is shameful to weep,
to tear is for the weak.
they say
sobbing and crying
disgraces the face.
i say
fuck you.

passd.

2005-09-10T00:19:00.000+08:00

passd.

ill break you,push you over the edge,then leap myself.

so slits driven through
your gray black and white
escapes,sandy fall and black
patches of sighs.

imagined restriction.

2005-09-08T00:32:00.000+08:00

imagined restriction.

i think,i am useless.

did you dream yesterday.i did.

mums off to msia for two weeks.dads gonna be nicer but i expect myself to be mugging all the way now.i feel so confused.i wanna do well and go to j2 and finish the As but i dont want to be as stressed as this for the next few years in uni.whats the bloody use of life.?

im dozing off in front of the comp.so much to blog,yet duno how to express.its such a frustrating thing.i think i shall write soon.

will blog another day la.no mood.

freakin red
boring sight on
fried nights,stare.

the found aways.

2005-08-30T22:35:00.000+08:00

the found aways.

i really like y's poems.theyre beautiful,they bring out what it means to be words invoking feelings so exact,so clean.wanted to learn from her style when i started back then,somehow they all just became mixed with my own and got too much,i guess.its somewhat of a frustration when you look at your own poem and think it means so much,but you know,to someone else,its incomprehensible,not even interesting.but i wont change myself.
shes having problems,i want to help,i dont want to intrude,i dont want her to be unhappy.i feel inadequate,i feel distant.its a connection thing,and its muffled by work and the bloody school and new people,i want life to be stagnant.sigh.

i think ill go let it out on the piano.

y's,on a letter-

run away.
from those streets
of memories,stained
i can't bear to keep.
quickly turn
around those bends
littered with hearts
that i can't mend.
look beyond
that orange sky
behind the clouds
where darkness lies.
Embrace the breeze
and give in,
the sweat & pain upon
your skin.
say goodbye,
and take a bow,
close your eyes,
relax for now.

three am fear.

2005-08-27T01:19:00.000+08:00

three am fear.

its been long since ive stayed up late to blog.but i still shall scrap the events that seemed bloggable.my mind's always in a whirl when it comes to these things,im so directionless,disoriented,dead.its hard living a few lives at a time but i would be worse off only living one.get a life indeed.

deja vu.they occur at the weirdest times.

the hdb is repainting my block,and theyve put up the steel cables to support the i-forgot-what-that-was-called,the kinda lift used to bring the worker up and down the block,outside,so two strips of the cable is directly outside my window within arm's reach.it reminds me of the height i am at.and of falling.not fear of heights[i forgot the phobia word for that too,i think im losing my mind again],but just the feeling of falling,when im sleeping,and only vaguely feeling it but not comprehending the fear.

the orange skies are peaceful and makes me happy.but today when the heavy mass of nimbuses threatened to tear the surroundings with a thunderstorm,it pathetically let a few minutes of shower and drifted off somewhere else.sigh.i didnt bring my sweater too.

i dont know why this few days have been so topsyturvy,diealive,poisoned.

crammed day tmr,even gonna have to be late for s's bday-rather big thing cos of some rather o_o customs-cos of grandma's bday.tampines is bloody far from bukit batok la.zz.

ohwell.i think its time to sleep.let tmr be smooth.

under the table,
the brown wrapper
drifted out of the window,and still
could not accept the silver
insecurity of reminders.
breaking the peace of orange,
will be doubly,admittedly,
strange.

i still hate sleep.

2005-08-21T21:39:00.000+08:00

i still hate sleep.

first up to reply tags :

ade/my useless life no need to update one.i dont update,i blog.anyway saw your gang of netballers escorting you to the toilet on saturday.you okay now.?oh just read your blog.two falls,ouch.sprains/cuts bad.?you need bigger ears for better balance :b.you yourself not updating much,pot pot pot.

feng/yesyes hangqueen :D.twas my pleasure.havent seen you online for a long time[and youre like the only one who plays hangman with me so im kinda deprived know >_<].hang in there in jj too yeah :].and yes,i teach those envyful-long haired[like up to their lips] american-school educated,clever,fun,cute and rich boys.why :.?

xuan/hello.yeah i love this song.whee.you mug hard for your prelims and os ah.maybe i see you on fri.will you be home.?

dotter/heeyhey.and NO im not naming him bunnyji,thanks.eh.i wanna go soup spoon :x.

yen/heh its just so comforting to be thinking too much and keeping to your own view of the world which you know nobody else is clever/crazy/stupid enough to understand.gotta keep reminding myself to reply you by tues leh.haha.cya then.

why mum so kp tonight.kns.ill update another day.busy week with shitload of tests and dates.

n;r on class,d,yf and bloody hist.grades,sch ppl[with r].music.tkd-&j.sleep on sun.long hair,yf bday.brood.fullmoon.

a grip is easy to
say or slay,
cursed bore and
white mirror radiance,
halved.

moodless.

2005-08-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

moodless.

rapidly losing interest in blogging tho i wanna put down things.these standardized,perfect words dont match up to expression of handwriting.the diction just doesnt appeal anymore.
indeed,people nowadays are so pampered that we must have entertainment in everything we do.

sun gave private tkd classes in the morning-eric khoo's property is still beyond words.fun teaching his four boys.went home to lunch before going to dojang to train from 230-6.it felt like such a long day,partly cos i was hungry,partly cos i was tired,that at around 1700 it felt like it was 2100+,with my mind envisioning the outside completely dark and all.
sparring is damn fun and addictive.

tests all coming up again.gotta study damn lot for it.not to mention pw and chinese.zz.dont know crap bout chinese syllabus la.argh.

piano-listened to the cd for my diploma song-and realized i suck when i thought i was near to mastering it.bloody damned fingers.

today was fun.played badminton for 2hours during the 2&half hour break,then after sch also,about 2&half hours more.then went straight to tennis.lol.was surprised i wasnt tired tho i perspired so much.

want to pack my room up.the messiness is getting to me.no sense of belonging here.sigh.

i need to remember myself.

to write and keep
the grim gauntness
is natural.to get along
with life and enjoy it
is not.
die,serpent of gray.

operation shake.

2005-08-11T21:09:00.000+08:00

operation shake.

misunderstanding breeds distrust,you.

its been funny getting past these few days.wanted to blog earlier but couldnt put words down.i guess ill just have to try harder.

sat s's bday,marche'd with s,b,d.was fun being together,talking with them again,theres never a dull moment with them.played pool.

sun tkd rockd'.went very allout.arms still aching from the drills.felt good to be back in free motion.uncle's bday,i like family gatherings[mother's side only tho].

mon nday celebrations in sch,useless and boring but tolerable,then gothic film-shown momento instead of dracula,abit of cards before small class outing at s's condo.boring poets and gory a-little-gothic shows.cards,pizza,spaghetti,mahjong.happy day.pool too before going home.

tues,slacked half d day on the comp and chatting,then met d & b in town,ate,talked,pool.with them is comfort.missed the nday parade tho.went back to family gathering again,they were playing mahjong but i wasnt interested-went back to comp after d bday formalities and some talk.sad my bro had to leave earlier to go back to camp tho.
that day felt weird.i had too much time but too little time,couldnt do my work on my own excuses,and everything just contradicted before i went out.

it continued on wed when i spent the day at home again achieving nothing substantial and getting worried over my history test i didnt get to finish studying for.and im still sleeping in classes-esp damn boring hist i shouldnt be.damn ill sleep early.tues and wed made me think alot.im getting bored much more easily now.i want to walk around on my hands.when my arms are better ill make a point to do that more inhouse.

i wanna tennis.missing monday put me in quite a craving-for-it mood - its back.

i wish my parents would go for some long holiday.then my nights wouldnt be tormented by being free and unfree-not knowing when my parents would come back and start suppressing me.

theres pe tmr-oh yeah.but i just dislike my class and pjc la.its so different-in a bad way.even the teachers.

i wanna relive sec sch days.in queensway.bah.

things are disturbing.i dont want my nonchalance back.grasp then breathe.

what with great resolve,
fix yarn slave bell,
bone strung like pebbles strewn,
gradual green garnishes
gregariously going.
petal slice childish glamour,
watch the orange past bowtie-cute
contrast snow and horsehair nooses.
eviesa,tell me why she died.

piercing light black engulf.

2005-08-06T23:48:00.000+08:00

piercing light black engulf.

father fucking around again,with his irate idiocy.i cant believe such types of shallow people exist.worse than animals,i should think.

first time im posting 2 in a day,i just recalled what i dreamt of this morning.

i was in somewhere at a gathering-a party probably,with alot of my closer friends.d,j and p were there and much more sociable to me,such a pleasant feeling.then d2 approached me and cleared things up with me,even 'became' brothers.
that 2 was probably what i want most now.its sad to wake up feeling happy,then later recalling the dream to the elation draining away.

how i wish my parents would change.but that wouldnt happen ever.since theyve made me understand the screwed side of life,i wouldnt mind them getting new mindsets.thanks.
im dwelling and getting affected by them too much,but i cant help it,can i.its not like staying positive will change them.crazy fucks.see,even now she wont stop.

i could kill
if i could.
wheres the sense
of
the unreasonable bitches when they
cant even brand themselves
as such.?
i could kill
myself.

red wind,scream.

2005-08-06T20:33:00.000+08:00

red wind,scream.

yesterday was the first day of the 7th lunar month-and as always,the wind picks up significantly.superstitious chinese might go far as to say that the wind is the spirits' rushing about.

s's bday today,went to marche and then to lucky plaza to play pool.being with b,d and s was so much more pleasant than being with pj ppl.

its tkd tmr.!gonna train my heart out to make up for the last 2 weeks i didnt get to do so.

parents will kill me when they see my progress report,sigh.they wont understand.

im glad for the long break this five days.i guess i gotta step my pace up in everything.

oh the betose of bared teeth,
double gallop and hopping rumble,
to take off,slice and slam square,
land with light,satisfactory
wings.

the letter.

2005-08-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

the letter.

flashback : i had irritably unlocked and opened my door to my father's umpteenth time of disturbing my peace.he had his childish grinning expression on when he passed me the letter.i glanced at the cj crest in front while tearing it open-for a fleeting moment i was hopeful- and that changed abruptly even before i had opened the letter.i just swept the first few lines of the letter-i saw "we regret to inform you that.." in less than a second and tossed it back at my father whom from the corner of my eye was expecting something more to amuse himself with.i closed and locked the door on him while he was stooping to pick the letter,irritated with myself more than ever.everything just felt so fucked up.deja vu from dec p6.

fuck pj.

everything would be
beautiful,the grandeur
cut clean,the unlet pushed down.
race against the five,
cry joy and fly dive.

things you will never get tired of.

2005-07-31T22:58:00.000+08:00

things you will never get tired of.

ah.i feel like what i should be feeling everyday.its not exactly happy or contented,but just being myself;feeling good on an ordinary day.

went to sch of rock finals to support c's band,they were great.i wasnt really into everything else tho.pure rock just seems so empty.

ytd was grad service and night.little of my class came.just had a good time getting back to spend time with everyone at fairfield.no,not smashing.but i dont regret anything.

our class's grades are terrible.mine's worse.so i shall buck up.
ill be having early nights again.

everythings' importance seems to be diminishing.

this ordinary day is such a pleasant one.

i forgot what i wanted to philosophilize about,ha.

i should be writing my diary again.

it will be a long comeback
with flashes of hazy purple-warmth.
captured dilute smiles still count,
and pretty stars will be sensed.
the life of a dream scare
no young child,till the
cracks of masks begin to seal.

reach for mine,sad eyes.

2005-07-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

reach for mine,sad eyes.

had fun at j's birthday bbq + class gathering on sat,catching up with those friends.

woke up at 0100 and 0230 to vomit,0500 with a stomachache,on sun.bloody hell.went down to sir's place to go to teach private lessons,felt uncomfortable still.vomited another time before heading out,and was back to normal.knew i shouldnt have touched the comp but i did,and ran my fever.my fevers always are at/near 37degrees only tho.my temperature's always been lower than normal,maybe since im so attached to the cold.slept the fever off.
almost never am,but i hate being sick;weak and helpless.i always venture into my thoughts of death too.
but my parents always treat me better then.

what a weekend-i didnt want to miss tkd trng.feel unfit now.

i think significant things are unfolding.i just hope i can cope with them;i want to give them more priority too.
i havent sighed for a good reason,for a long time.

its a melancholic time,and the moon has escaped my window already,again.

as you return two
stares,i only hope
the soft knowingness
invokes and brings
longed murmurs,
some peace.

restless.

2005-07-23T23:23:00.000+08:00

restless.

had a rare instance of a headache this afternoon.dont know what caused it.maybe migraine even probably.bloody head.i hate feeling less than normal.

my father was taking a step further with fucking me around.yesterday morning in the car he just had to.i was dreading that since sec sch,and of course that ruined my entire day.

went to j's birthday bbq this evening.was great seeing most of my sec4 people around :].wasnt feeling awkward with anyone anymore.it feels like what a family should be.i had fun.

ill be putting in more effort into life.

catch me,please,then ill catch you.

the champagne is missing,
the clouds are falling.
when you feel schizophrenic,too,
dont fall by yourself,
ill join you.

to rope off.

2005-07-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

to rope off.

ive been thinking before that this is my blog,and i can do anything i want with it,and i should,but i just needed someone to tell me that.thanks to m for clearing my senses.

i guess i should find more time to clean up my blog more,and soon.this week is nerd week tho.tests again,fuck.

screwed myself up,but im not regretting.it's not my fault and truth comes anyway.

feel so unfilled,left behind something.its dumb that the vague things speak louder,because people are so grotesquely superficial.

away on each eave,
apart not true,
dont give leave when you
desire,the shoulder one
is still letting up.
re-read.

you,collapse.

2005-07-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

you,collapse.

dirennaisz,iyem steli watenn phorl yewn.
ROAAAAAAAAAR.

where,is the
turn-aroundd' smile
you perfected to fake.?
glory,to your complexity,
but how shall i tug back
and win the eye.?

dont hide,because you know,
everything oppositedd' is true.
in this you can share,
the shaded light of rainy glass panes,
again.red will not strike my
black any late.

so should i release before i make
a final pull.?
the cord might fray.
but hold on,for impossible is nothing,and
which is worth the wait.you should
drag me along though.

are you torn or tormenting.?i still cant,
when you say,g fgre.
stand your ground,unliminal,
please let my age suffice.
rediscover clouds,doubleshot hung.
give me your soul,because you have mine.

stifling,suffocating.

2005-07-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

stifling,suffocating.

its hot in here.my fan spoilt and i dont know how.i just came back from xuan's house and couldnt get the mechanism to start rotating.kinda dismantled it abit,but im not an electrician.
so ive been rotting in this warmness.not really.but i just like being cold.

tkd was fun.

last week had small tests like fill in the blanks.this week is the real essay tests.im dead.homework not even done.due tmr.
ill take things one at a time.

shit,late.need to allocate more time to blogging next time.
stupid skins too,hard to get a nice one.

a broken bottle top,nowhere
to go,wind and fcuk.the ring
of fragility was missed.sandstorm
of past,and send the bottle
on its way.

and my eyes shant open.

2005-06-28T22:23:00.000+08:00

and my eyes shant open.

yawn.everything's a deja vu,a vicious cycle,the opposites in the same.
sunday had a good tkd session.after grading and all,lunch in celebration of clement's gold in one of the intersch tkd sparring competition,and warmups,was sparring time.borrowed jon's old gloves and boots,so i wouldnt have to hold back so much.had a proper sparring match-three rounds with clement.felt so free and real,hitting alot,and getting hit alot too.

monday night mum just kept screaming at me for my pants being too big and baggy and hence ugly.got irritated and raising my voice and stuff back.shes just so unreasonable.she already saw me in it before,but she just goes on i didnt notice it was so big until i took it out,i told you to go and change it back to 32,you think that auntie your mother,listen to her for what,you look so sloppy no wonder you are getting worse,like out of point stuff and you just have to wtf and wanna slap her.but it wouldnt work anyway.she wouldnt back down even if shes lost her argument,she'll just scream and scream,she wont even listen to you.always thinks shes right,whatever.shes now asking me every night whether ive found out where to get that one size smaller pants-stupid and fucked thing to do,and chiding me for everything else and dumping allll my little flaws before i get the chance to get her out of my room and half-slam my door.i wonder how id cope with her and my father if i hadnt learnt tkd.id probably be like my bro and wander off somewhere.esp now when my bro's in ns,ill just go over and live there,probably.
and when she scolded me,i just wiped away my tears-i couldnt break down,i couldnt cry anymore.screaming is no use because some people,sad to say,are just so inhumane,so immature of mind despite age.i wondered that if she really dared to sew my pants into a crazy tight fit size,id just not go to school anymore,really start my life proper.xuan commented that i neednt study actually,just go start work and dedicating my life to piano,tkd,gym,tennis and stuff.i most probably would have at least two jobs anyway.havent even thought about pursuing an army career-not bloody land army tho,unless a sniper or something fun,id prefer flying.but of course thats a long way and id hardly have a chance to own my own private jet,so ill stick to my current plan-piano teacher and freelance performer,tkd assistant instructor[and maybe set up some tricks department with jon [[and mr teo.?]]],tennis.?i dont know.author probably halfway along,writing about so many random but concentrated things.i dont need a phd in english to express my views on the world.
its so easy to dream,but its sad that the only things holding me down is my parents.i dont care about tradition,or money.i think people will be interested in something or the other if i keep my heart and mind free and pure.

xuan's sick and alone again,hope she'll be fine.seems like several of my friends and i have the same setbacks-family problems.and its weighing heavy.

i havent sighed this heavily for a long time-i dont even wanna go into school work and the stress.at least there's ping guo shui today :].hope it doesnt rain at or before tennis tmr.

i love to do handstand pushups-then open my wardrobe door to look into my mirror-eyes completely red and black,tinged with gray.

the sad orange reflected
against black and sharp rays,
an ocean of dead red,to be
unmagnified
without the lustre.to kill more
is to add to this joy.

high up.

2005-06-25T00:45:00.000+08:00

high up.

im so used to it that i dont notice that my house is this high up anymore.until people come to my house and comment on it.ha.i guess thats a good thing.i wont ever get bored of staring out of my window at night.peaceful.

dotter came over today :].had a good time.playing piano[scraping all my finger-rust away by revisiting old songs ;D],downing 2 bottles of sparkling red & white grape juice[the normal wine bottle size,mind.70 cl,i think its 700ml.],eating at the coffee table[i always eat in my room =x],talking rubbish to people on msn and laughing over it,forgetting to do homework[glee.! ._.].
entertaining people is entertaining.ha.

mm.morning had tennis.there was showers so my racket strings were wet + i didnt bother to realign them + i spun really hard so my strings burst ._..ill keep in mind not to be in the same situation again,damn.i wanted to restring my racket anyway,the strings were too loose =x.
went over to xuan's after tennis to fix her msn thingy,but couldnt.7.0 doesnt work good with router connections.i like her house,2 storey and shes the only one in there.so free.hah.

come to think of it,my grandpa hasnt been calling me to go over to fix his computer problems for quite a long time now.wonder if he stopped playing his stock market already.

havent been consistent on my work.damn.failed another econs mock test[like almost everybody else,but.].something's wrong with me.
will be mugging with xuan tmr while i restring my racket and stuff.
time to sleep.need to wake.i must be catching up on everything.

breath in the world,
and tap on the flower.dig out
narcissism,and green will
take its place.
frown stare,twitch,
laugh and shut-eye.

nearer than ever.

2005-06-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

nearer than ever.

and my mother's fuckin around again.everytime she bloody sees me on the comp she just goes hysterical.especially since holidays started.theres just something with the fucking adults against computers.
just now she opens my door and starts raising her voice 'have you finished your homework'.so i said yes for thursday,and she shouted i told you not to play before you finished your homework right,blah blah blahhhhhhhhh.fuck em all,she just is unreasonable.she goes from dont play to dont chat to dont use the internet,if i just give in she'll demand more and more,fuck,whats the bitchin point.i got no more assholic patience to keep up with her lame shitass demands when they arent gonna stop.i wont say its the last time im gonna put up with her but im going to say that something's gonna change.im not sad like the last few times.im angry.basic,angry.
i know ive done my part today studying.doing work.just a fucking break,not two minutes into it and i have a fucking loudhailer blasting my privacy and my breather off.she doesnt understand nothing.
i hate life.
someone cry for me,cos im not gonna do it.

wheres the sky when
i need to tan my lungs,
wheres the bag when
i need to break everything.
what mere words describe
the loser world i live in.
i will,i will,i will.

she,beautifully.

2005-06-18T00:08:00.000+08:00

she,beautifully.

i lost my hp today when i was on the shuttle bus to amoy quee camp with aaron and rynel.think it dropped outta my pocket then cos it was the only time i was sitting.my pants pocket was shallow.i already dropped it in the taxi before that but aaron got it for me then.was distracted with rynel's pda so didnt check the seats before we alighted.bah.
my pictures ):.
i guess imma seclude myself for awhile.
im not that sad,cos its still partly materialistic.my kept messages,sigh.
just finished off the remaining dreyers ice cream.thought it would lift my mood abit.thought.the ice cream didnt even taste good.

hong kong was a good break.my parents were just the same tho.i cant help thinking it woulda been better without them.owells.thurs,xuan accompanied us for the whole day.it was my best day.i felt free,to walk around to shop for ourselves.its fun shopping with xuan :].
also had my mind twisted there.more philosophical i guess.
saw 2 teens in full goth in the shopping mall on thurs.they were damn cool la,not overkill at all but with eyeliner,all black,nail accessories,nice piercings and stuff.the girl had a red left eye.i didnt see properly cos of her hair,but it wasnt like ordinary red,it was like the whole eye was red with white streaks and i couldnt see the pupil.i was so awed and contemplated taking picture.they were gone before i decided i wanted to so badly ):.lost cause indeed.
but im tired.continue another day.i think my mood will fade by then.

three grace,seven
roar.run eye,
wake up and touch
the numb hung heads.

flyfly.

2005-06-12T06:43:00.000+08:00

flyfly.

in the departure hall thingers now.forgot to post ytd night,was too busy packing and talking to ppl.ha.short post here,gotta go very soon.
cant wait to get to xuan and hk.im high on this.exciting.!ahh.gotta run.love yall :D.
dont think can use net there too.
flyyy.

hands down
and wings up.

:].

2005-06-06T01:13:00.000+08:00

:].

heh.things are looking up.but the rain hasnt come.
tkd tournament training today was damn challenging.
first 2 patterns,then normal skipping-1500. -was thinking,shit its gonna be a tough day.
next pattern,then situps-120.
pattern,then jumping jack pushups-30.
pattern,then half squat skipping-150.
pattern,then side jumps-2x30.
pattern,then front lunges 120.
break 5min.
pattern,then jump-jumping jack pushups-30.
pattern,then balancing and pushing game thingy followed by 100 jumping jacks.
break 3min.
pattern,cant remember this exercise.
pattern,then jackknives-120. -bloody taxing
kicking drills-about 120 turning and 120 jumping turning kicks.
3 rounds of sparring
break 1min.
heavy skipping-1000.
dismissed.
everything under 2 hours.shit man,intensive indeed.

just had a few spoonfuls of cookies and cream dreyers ice cream,ahhhhh.beautiful.

im damn tired now,came back from tampines grandma side early to celebrate auntie's birthday.
played hangman with min.lol.i miss hangman.
just did a survey for eleanor for her pw.quite interesting topic-library books delivery and stuff.
music.
cant wait for hongkong.got so many things i wanna buy-already made a mental list.and conveniently my mum just touched 4d or something and won a few k.woots.haha.

had quite a fun time on sat at the barbeque.hockey,captains ball,golden brown marshmallows,connect four =x.hanging around,just socialising :].
oh,and i like yen's poem on her letter alot.admirable.thanks yen.

time to sleep la.stupid ulcers in my mouth.
tmr probably go swim.maybe tan.and mug.homework time.

lids clanging,familiar
vocals flowing.
ping guo shui wouldnt
hurt,why chosen ice.?
hangman,hold hands with
the reaper,to smile.

black rainbow.

2005-06-04T12:19:00.000+08:00

black rainbow.

[oo41\o4o6o5`sat.]

i feel shitty.my dates always clash.ALWAYS.fucked.go for this,miss that,go for that,miss everything else.wanna do so many things.all slipping away,all unreachable cos of my imperfect self.even my friends get clashed because of my clashes.and i am irritating myself over myself.stupid i know.but isnt it better to be aware of that than not.?perhaps i really should die early.
my fucking meteora cd just disappeared.i dont know how.i was taking out my hybrid theory and meteora albums from my cd shelf,and put it on my table in front of me,so that id remember to bring them to lend to yen tmr.and whatever i did,my memory just died,and voila,only hybrid theory was left.my bloody untidy[NOT MY FAULT,ITS ALL MESSED UP WITH MY FUCKING MUM'S STUFF,AND SHE CLAIMS ITS MY FAULT BECAUSE I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THE COMP AND DOESNT LET HER USE IT TO FIND THE HOTELS AND BLAH WTF WHEN SHE ALREADY SPENT A FEW HOURS ON IT AND DIDNT TELL ME SHE NEEDED MORE TIME.] table irritated me as well cos i couldnt tidy it.shed be nagging me whether i tidy it or not anyway.maybe it wasnt there in the first place.but it was always there.i thought i saw myself taking the two albums out also.and the cd cant be anywhere else.fuck.i hate the word fuck.it sounds crude & immature.
ive been thinking the other day,it just popped into my mind that ./.

[1o46\o4o6o5`sat.]

i forgot what i wanted to type in continuation of that,and my mum was blowing her head off forcing me to go and sleep.OH.i remember it now.whats this life for.?there must be a meaning behind this.why are we the superior and dominating race here.?we were animals like the rest of them.there should have been balance in the cycle,we were to live like any other animal.besides that,our mind evolving so much,life is a different meaning altogether already.we live not basically to eat,but to compete to climb the social and economic ladder.where has our natural instincts gone.?where will we be in the next few milleniums.has we changed ourselves so much that we may question the purpose of the physical,and answer it.?so what if we get all the answers of the universes,so what if we can experience and create everything we ever wished.?what lies behind this curtain of the false truth.
[comp crashed,lost quite a bit cos the recover didnt recover the full post.just when i was clicking publish post,too.i hate to blog.]
is life just another passe.?a facade probably,for something working outside.so many things would be explained if we were just pets for some other form.like an ant farm.the concept of god would be explained and unexplained.meaning of life would be revealed,meaning of human domination of earth can be found out.
does anyone think like me.?if yes,do they/have they thought of sharing with the world their thoughts.?it would change a lot.or have they just forced their thoughts out of their mind,to live on denying themselves.?to live on conforming to the vicious cycle of life.does anyone think like me.?

i had alot of dreams this morning.i woke at 2 and 5,tried to reply sms but fell asleep before i could finish.its irritating.like this blog.i dreamt of things like running from a tsunami then returning to the beach to pick the stuff dropped from the victims.i dreamt of friends,their thoughts,my letters.half wants.i dreamt of a few other unimpt things too.i even dreamt of being back in my piano teacher's house having lessons with her.
the wind has come back into my room.
but people just cant stop piling everything in my room.bah.

i wanted to blog so much more.the class,movie,tennis,tkd,yadda.but i cant find the drive to blog nowadays.everything's become feelings instead of words.is that a good thing.?i cant express myself much anymore.however much i blog,i cant seem to pour my heart out here.
i wish dreams came true.i would like to have lived on what i dreamt today.

i will keep this blog alive.or will this be my last post.?i might take a break from blogging.its becoming a burden,a lousy outlet.i have friends who can do better jobs than this.

hopefully the bbq with yen & min and the people there later will cheer me up.

i want to remember.everything.

delude,oh friend.
the rain dost kill.
no,under the meteor,
soar because you think so.

holiday.

2005-05-31T02:32:00.000+08:00

holiday.

its june.and its boring.0241,and my mind has succeeded in exceeding my natural tired body clock whatever things,and im past the sleepy stage of the night.im just bored now,i wanna watch the 3 samurai x dvds i borrowed from jon but they cant work on my comp cos the codec's problematic.tmr then.

oh crap.i just dozed off and there were so many loud and weird robotic rings in my head,i could almost hear it when i woke.its funny how i suddenly turn sleepy when i start blogging.think i shall finish up fast and go to sleep before my sleepiness runs away again.ha.

friday last day of sch.was quite normal,had tennis elbow[some kinda slight pain in the elbow when you play] so couldnt really play properly.i spin too much :l.during break us guys were playing soccer in the hall.this 3 j2s came and played against us.we won them 3-2 but they pleaded to play for one more goal.it dragged for almost half an hour so we just let them put in their 3rd one.was fun.
i forgot to bring my uniform shirt again so i was in tshirt the whole day.at assembly this kiwi[a.k.a new zealanders] came to speak to us,he was quite a good speaker,able to maintain attention and clear his points well.
oh and decided to spend abit since it was last day.haha.got a haagen dazs tiramisu cone[flavor of the month promotion].thought it wouldnt satisfy me as it was too little.but i was reminded of what top grade ice cream was.i love haagen dazs.then tried a white chocolate dream ice blended from coffee bean.was quite good :].went home and snacked on a small bag of marks and spencers chips i bought the other day :D.
eyes heavy.

sat.tennis training.was quite boring.tennis elbow still until later it diminished to just aches,weird.then hung around awhile waiting for them to bathe,snack,before going lot1 to eat long johns.was like completely broke after that cos i lent ppl money for notes[ten bux for history notes,dammit] and paid for class jersey[boring right,jersey AGAIN].then went home at 5+.slacked around.
sunday woot.private classes.first class-eric khoo's sons.his house is so damn big i dont wanna describe it here now,itll take so long and i wanna sleep :l.its basically,one helluva big landed property,obviously one of the biggest in sg.then to another house at pine grove.then went to jon's place for lunch and since private classes in the afternoon wasnt on,killed time there playing xbow and checking out his room and some stuff.his room is cool.
then zao early from training at 5 to go grandpa's birthday dinner.was quite okay la,the dinner.then home.i missed my creative warehouse sale which was on friday and sat.fuck.my headphones and speakers.!damned.but i saw supposedly good sony headphones at borders today,and its cheap at 35+.
came home.
monday.today go chinese enrichment.was boring but not regretful.just all activities and stuff.came back bored and lazy to do work.i knew it would lose my appetite for lunch if i ate something before i came back today,but i still did.i got ice cream from the ice cream vendor in sch and a small pack of twisties.then ate my 2 packets of wang wang :l.i didnt have appetite when i came back :l.an hour later i ate like the remaining 8 of my marks and spencers chocolate digestive biscuits,2 mugs of milk and a bowl of instant mee.damn im fat.
then slacked till now.
michelle replied to my reply to her poem on the class forum about the irritating malay guy who seems to be overboard in being affectionate to her.quite funny.haha.and i like replying poems and having replies,like codes.so fun.bah.im bored la.
i think i post something more substantial another time la.sleepee.haha.oh to the o lvl ppl i forgot to wish,someone told me it was 31st >_<.sorry people.late all the best to you all.?seemed easy to my friends.haha.
work work tmr.

heavy already,red undoubt.
deleted but aware,that
unawary glances cannot be for ever.
get the obstacle down instead of
climbing over it,and then
burn it with a grin.

touche.

2005-05-26T22:25:00.000+08:00

touche.

3 minutes to finish post.
today sucked because the first lesson sucked.was history tutorial-essay test.i crammed like shit yesterday all the way on the bus,home,this morning bus,assembly,and even all the way to the lecture room.i think i crammed too much.the question for the test was easy,but i just blanked out.mental block.i wrote 6 lines and gave up-and im really devastated cos its the first time i gave up on a test- cos i really couldnt get anything out.it was such a torment.i spent the last fifteen minutes thinking of an excuse.i went up to mr ng and told him i had a headache.i feel bad.but i deserve it.fuck.well he couldnt give me a retest,ill just write another essay for him to mark for my own reference.i should have been less of an asshole.
i want to cry.
then had 1.5 hours break.tried to put in lit readings into my head.did relatively lousily for the quiz and prac crit test cos 1.i wasnt prepared and 2.i was rusty with prac crit.also the quiz was quite set out to make you fail only,they ask stupid things like name the 2 expensive makes of cars mentioned in the play and name the two italian dishes served in the play.it doesnt make any fucking sense to what we're studying.failures have to do selfstudy and what shit blablah lah.i cant bloody be bothered.if i was still in school now id bet id be back to my sec1 self.fucking cursing my lungs out at the top of my voice for no good reason.
missed tennis training cos had econs makeup and teacher refused to let me and jun hong skip even tho it was the last training of the term with the coach.and it rained so didnt even get to play half an hour.i played awhile with jiebin and jason,this beginner,hes rather acceptable by our standards but always likes to act smart and stuff,trying to do harder techniques when he doesnt even have his basics right.i dont really like him,i dont like to play with him.anyway playing on wet ground sucks even though i managed to play well.
i need to revamp my comp and this blog.my comp is already quite disorganized.i wish i still had my primary school mind.i dont mind compromising my friends for my good grades and perfectionist attitude,because theres no homely feeling in pj at all.
i feel alone.cos i have no home.only a house i sleep and eat in,and live with my family for the sake of needing food and shelter.
i want to write in my diary,its been long since i did.
hope tmr wont be too hot or raining during our 2hour break,i want to play tennis.

im recharging now.im spent but not enough.i screwed this first term.and im not going to sit by the third and fourth term doing the same.
my life is so fucking encompassed around school.i hate this society.i have half a mind to turn into a farmer and live somewhere rural when i find someone to go with me.prefably before 24.

i dont like life.
i hate life.
life sucks.
but life goes on.
speaking of that,ive been thinking,what if i sleep tonight and wake up to find myself in a hospital or something at age 30+,then learning that ive lost my memory of over a decade,lost my life,wasted my life due to an accident or something,or even worse,learning to be a person in this world all over again.it isnt another chance to build a life,itll be a handicap and torture to be in this world.
i think that,if the afterlife is better to live in,if there is an afterlife,if there will be reincarnation,if there will be another universe to be available for me to be in,id probably commit suicide cos i wont be able to bring anything from this world to my death.this world is full of hate,full of bullshit.i could be a cartoon character.i could be a butterfly.i could be a snake who got hunted and could feel my skin being made into a bag.i could be a strand of hair on the fastest athlete,i could be a single flash of lightning.anything is better than life as a human.

i just want to escape.

five to dead,relief or
despair met by only your
imagination.
what words called out,when
you only had wings.?
feathery or musky light,
forest turn to wine,indeed.

sing along,the sad song.

2005-05-23T21:12:00.000+08:00

sing along,the sad song.

times like these,i just close my eyes and enjoy the healing music i put on.and sing.it would clear my mind.it would feel light.
ive been regretting alot of stuff lately.well for one,i havent touched my studies this weekend.and theres a hellotta tests and work to be done this week.i wont even smell extra readings or what nots.im already behind,and behind is bad.i will work hard this two weeks.

im soothing myself with same-snowpatrol[which is currently on my blog],and just searched up on the lyrics.realized that snowpatrol uses interesting lyrics too.i like these type of lyrics;containing a deeper meaning,and a meaningful meaning at that.
but i still feel FUCKED UP.
i have no more mood to sing.because i am tired and just discovered im expected of a 400 word reflection essay on a newsweek article for gp by tonight,and im supposed to be sleeping now.

just browsed through a newsweek article on foie gras.i knew that they force feed the ducks to enlarge their liver,but its the first time i saw a picture of it.the worker uses a bloody tube and sticks it down one of the ducks' throat.i see pain in its eyes.i thought force feeding wasnt that cruel.fuck em all greedy bastards.i cant bear the thought of torturing others for another's pleasure.
this is one of the times i agree with slipknot-people equals shit.

restrung my tennis racket-think ill play more consistently now.
bought reebok shorts.
wanted to buy the mini speakers and foldable headphones from creative.but have to wait till next week or something for the warehouse sale.still wondering whether i should buy the portable speakers.would i use it much.?i duno.but i like them,and i can use them with my mp3.i think i will.whee.thought of that cheers me up already :].

met quite a few ppl this week.my horoscope these two weeks said that i should establish that friendship further.hur-_-.i read horoscopes for fun actually,i dont abide to them cos i rule my own life.
met eleanor on the bus[again] on the way home from orchard on friday.she was my old bus mate in pri 1-5 or 6,but we didnt really get past the acquaintance stage cos i was antisocial,and i always sat in front,away from the rest of the van except another friend,or was sleeping.i remember,in p2 and p4,my love for the cold started.i always sat at the side of the bus alone,and since he picked us up quite early at 6plus before sunlight came,it was cold and nice with the wind on my face almost all through the ride.i remember i didnt want to close the window when it rained too,i left it slightly open so that i could enjoy the rain on my face.
chatted with her for awhile when we alighted at the same bus stop-we live near each other-before parting.her comp died so we didnt get to msn.been smsing tho.shes pleasant[and has nice shoes],and im glad we met :].
on sat evening,after restringing my racket and having ikea meatballs and buying my reebok shorts :D,sher and i met her friend kim at the dance studio at anchorpoint,the youngest international flamenco dancer-13 o_o.watched quite abit of the lesson since they talked for quite a while.its graceful but[but isnt the correct word,but,BUT.unless you want me to put 'but but but',but this is my space anyway.]/and interesting.shes pleasant and mature-minded for her age,she doesnt look her age anyway[that being partially a good thing].
met yen on friday after sch,mos and walking around paragon.didnt know paragon was that 0_0.mos is good.and had a good time catching up,it wasnt as short lived as other times.haha.had mochi ice cream.i like that,esp the sesame ones ;D.haha.
the cool night breeze was real bracing.enjoyed friday muchly.thanks yen.
saturday,went to support the rgs psl carnival in the morning.ben,dan and sher were quite sian cos it was on a small scale,nothing to do.i think we came at the wrong time-too early and too late.the guest band really spoilt it tho-wasnt that great compared to what we've been having before;joe and all without EMO PUNK-_-.denise said it was better in the morning and later.haha.she came and talked to us for awhile-real nice of her.it was okay la,those 3 just didnt like it.i wanted to watch the ladc dance but they wanted to go off-_-.blehded.saw jean too.at least they didnt have those irritating people who bugged you to patronize their store :l.

mum angry cos its late.sigh.

bereaved,tone down,
water,lights and
flowers,flood
but cut,shining.

twenty one fifty five.

2005-05-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

twenty one fifty five.

technically i have five minutes to finish this post :l.

i think my class will be fun when we go out together.

i just noticed that my left foot's fourth toenail broke.mustve been the tennis shoes.gotta cut my nails after this.

halfway through gp on tues,almost the whole class sat together and discussed on the farouq issue.was quite heated and stuff,but very hilarious,esp to bystanding people like me and the guys.would have joined them,but had to pei cindy,min ci and jasmine,cos only those 3 come over for gp to our class,didnt wanna pangseh them.haha.ms cheong was okay with it,she stood by,quiet,letting the discussion go on and stuff,she just said a few words concerning these interclass problems,like "i had problems in my time too,its good that you all can talk out your problems and resolve them,etc."shes very nice and understanding,haha.i think the "discussion"[more like a war] took about fortyfive minutes.lol.at first it was just 4 ppl,then the girls all started joining in and stuff.hah.so now its kinda resolved,but the tension not completely dissipated,although significantly less la.

whee.the song currently on here just reminds me of borders whenever i hear it.i duno why too,i just smell borders,see the brown big chair at the coffee bean,and taste mocha iced blended when i hear it.not to mention rain.haha.
oh,if anybody wants songs,just tell me.

meeting yen tmr.yay.i wont be able to keep sane without my outside friends.hur.oh,have to rush her letter too then.ha.

thinking of writing a letter for sat too.hm.

i wanna cut my nails and sleep.ive been lacking sleep this week.my eyes were bloodshot this morning before assembly la.crappy.and i couldnt help but sleep in the first half of lit lecture,by this british guy.his accent is terribly boring.then i think the other teacher saw me sleeping,so after his lecture on margaret thatcher and feminism he asked 1 person from each class to hand up scrapbook for check,and not surprisingly,he chose me.i bet others were sleeping too,i saw them.i wouldnt be that anxious if not for some bloody complications.bah.
speaking of that,i saw rachel taking her ciggs before excusing herself to the toilet with another girl during chinese class.linette doesnt look like she smokes.but passive smoking is as bad,if not worse.hope she doesnt influence others.
i still hate smokers,smoke and smoking.smoking is for the weak minded.
i wish she'd stop smoking.

ROAR.i lost another nice[to me] poem cos i was playing around with blogger accounts and the recover post didnt recover everything ):.fuck la.bedtime.
this is all i can remember.

incessant
neccesity floor
points core
authority glare.

risen scream crescendo.

2005-05-17T00:15:00.000+08:00

risen scream crescendo.

im sneaking up again not because im happy this time round,but cos theres a dead weight on me.
i know im tired.but things have gotten so crumply.
today,during lit lesson,i realized that,one of the things that im blogging for,is the audience.i didnt want it to turn out this way.i wanted to have a more personal blog.maybe its paranoia.ill think more about it.

my class fucking is irritating.its so much of a reminder of my sec3/4 class.

mommy vicki's bday today-seventeenth.she lost her phone so i couldnt contact her,we didnt arrange to meet up before this,but we'd planned mondays for our dates,so wasnt possible to meet up with her today.sat at borders reading asterix and italian history notes instead.wanted to meet her to pass her her present.i still cant find her,not on msn,ive tried calling her home phone but nobody picks up.i dont know.
sorry vicki,i couldnt contact you before this,i want you to know that,
youre very important to me too.
happy birthday :].

ill try calling again.

[edit 2318 17mayo5 tuesday]
lol.her mum picked up.hm=her mum m=me.
m : hello.?
hm : who are you.?
m : vicki.?
hm : who are you.?
m : er,shaun.
hm : now what time already you still calling her.vicki is sleeping already.!
m : okay.
hm : she got school tomorrow you know.!
m : oh,okay.
and i was about to say,i just wanted to wish your daughter happy birthday,mrs. yong,im sorry for disrupting your residence's peace at this time of night,i just had no other alternative in contacting vicki.i understand she needs her rest,thank you and goodnight.
but i just said,"bye."
[/edit]

and when the first drop stilled
the ground,all revolved silent,
embraced by invisible,fiery,pulsating waves.
discerning feel wasnt the highlight,
except that it was part of the scream,too.
wasnt it the tear,rather than the rain,that
sparked the tirade of blood.?

rushed.

2005-05-14T01:36:00.000+08:00

rushed.

short and incomplete one here,its late and i got tennis and lit discussion at 0830 in sch tmr.im screwed.
just putting down what i wanna blog about,will continue another time.cos alot of memories just suddenly flooded into my mind.

napfa.
farouq.
deja vus.
friday 13th.?
class.
explode.?
school so far.
work.
friends-new and old.?
xuan.
home.

[edited 2151 14mayo5 saaaturday.]

whee.napfa friday.oh wait.2.4 last friday.sarked cos i wanted to keep my mind off the run by singing or at least getting songs through my brain.i succeeded for about five seconds.lousy discipline.got 11.41,3 pointssss ):.ohwells.not very surprising.
this week had only 3 stations cos the class went dammn slow.sit and reach got 60 :D.there was one girl who got 68.5 O_O but i didnt see it.witnesses said she made it look effortless.i think she bent her legs or had some kind of headstart,its not really possible to get 68 right,its only like 2 cm away from the end.shes not the sporty kind.but maybe she has superlong hands.hur.
pullups next.wanted to do 16 for my age but got time limit of 1min so only managed 14 >_<.stupid lah.
then was shuttle run.was using my dada almost-worn-out shoes to run cos my pirated nike airs' soles were gone.so i couldnt get proper grip,kept slipping[it was on the track],so deproved to 9.5 when i got 9 flat last yearrrrr.irritating.second try was even worse.
OOH.lightning flash.beeg one.nicenice.
next week's situps and sbj-my 2 favs ;D.aim will be 70 and 275 =.actually since tkd did so much ab training i should aim 75.nono.beat my record of 76 by 1-77.!nice number.ohyes.
im always oversetting my goals.unrealistic.but it works.stalin did that :D.
but my class people are relatively weak :l.REALLY.shant elaborate.
theres this malay pimply moron -named farouq- in our class.hes quiet,but whatever comes out of his mouth is really,really stupid.and he has a very low but like havent-break-finish voice and permanently sounds arrogant.and he always bobs his head and gives a weird frown when he tries to smile.and he always waves his hand exaggeratingly when he speaks.he is damn irritating.he always tries to respond immediately without thinking,ending up in contradicting himself,and he doesnt admit it.its damn irritating.
he frequently breaks out into a beegees song everywhere he goes.i dont wanna go into details except that hes obsessed with the british monarchy.he also supports malaysian government.okay lets just give a tiny example ;D.
in the canteen chatting during break.[legend : f1=farouq f2=my classmate]
my friends and i are chatting and drift onto stuff on malaysia.
f2 : malaysian government sucks one la.
f1[imagine it being arrogantly said,with a bobbing head and irritating hand waving.] : no i think malaysia is good lah.they got petronas towers highest in the world you know.
f2 : highest so what,taipei 101 coming up already.
friends : laughter.
f1 : no lah,theyre not the best even if its higher.
friends give him a do-you-even-know-what-you-are-saying,dumbo-look.
f2 : dont talk cock la,you at first say highest then say even if higher wont be better.
f1 : no,cos petronas towers got [with his hand signalling the number two]TWO.
friends all burst out laughing our stomachs off AT him while he grins like a triumphant moron.
f2[sarcastically and DAMN funny to hear] : you think what,can stack one ah,if like that say then the kampong houses tallest la.!one stack on the other reach heaven still havent finish stacking.
friends laugh even harder,table banging.
f2[with dramatic action] : wah,i can imagine mahatir holding a press conference and telling the whole malaysian population "OUR PETRONAS TWIN TOWERS ARE THE TALLEST BECAUSE WE GOT TWO.!"
friends get hysterical.one literally rolled on the floor clutching his sides.all are in uncontrollable laughter.
it was damn funny cos we just kept mocking him and he just kept making stupid excuses to try to save his face,but it was working against him.i dont know what type of lousy deprived childhood he grew up in,cos apparently he knows that he has always been disliked and shunned even from primary school.what a loser,because no one pities his guts.whats worse,he was provoking everybody in the class forum.we were discussing about the upcoming star wars movie and he suddenly goes "Why are you all discussing a lame topic like the latest Star Wars movie and be so fascinated? I think we should instead touch on issues like Poverty, the Iraq War or the re-election of Tony Blair as the British PM - I think he should step down immediately and allow his fellow Labour party member The Chancellor of the Exchequer (Minister of Finance, lah) Gordon Brown to be the new PM.
Regards
The Right Honourable Lord Farouq Osman-Bengough QC "qc stands for queen counsellor btw,i told you he was obsessed.i bet bengough is some high whatever title he took for himself cos its not part of his name.
we suspended him after repeated warnings from the forum,but the class manager's quite unhappy about this forum thing splitting up the class and all.i mean,its not splitting unless you consider 'one against all' splitting the class.he just flames people for nothing[and already has made one of my classmates cry,but he just acts ignorantly] and tries to attract attention to himself,everything is others' fault.i cant stand people like that,and if he just touches me in school he may just be the honourable first to get seriously beat up by me.

i think im just edgy.i crave for good sparring tmr.ha.
the storm has come.!rainrainrain yay.i think april showers has come to may.so itll be redubbed may showers,then maybe june showers and july showers before the century is past.
wow.lotsa lightning and slow rumbles tonight.i like.esp when im hungry.i dont know why.i hope itll be cold.

two deja vus yesterday.one in sch,and one in the coffee club when i was with my tennis friends.yesterday was very psychic-y.kept reading other peoples' minds,of course unintentionally.
been out with my tennis friends yest and today,theyre MUCH better than my classmates,tho i still feel quite out in pj generally.im detaching myself from home and friends whenever i sit 190 to sch.
friday 13th isnt really a special day for me anymore.i wasnt really aware of the date.i always had thought this date was quite special and lucky for me.but it was just another normal day if i didnt notice it.i realized its just date.man-made,artificial.
work piling up,but finished homework for the weekend already.really little compared to the weekdays'.so inproportionate-bah.
WAHWAH.check that lightning out,the repeated lightnings brightened up the city for a whole second.so cool la.shitman.i will make sure someone fulfills my hopes of inventing a commercial device that can record all we see through our eyes in the future.

concerned bout xuan-shes quite sick.will remember to call her tmr.
and chu2 quite melancholic.hope next sat cheers her up.

will end here.as usual in my long posts,i never get to finish-i always forget a little bit here and there of what i wanted to blog- my entries.ohwells.stormstormstorm.

ice,enter.
cold to the core,
slice empty
smile.

white rain.

2005-05-08T12:54:00.000+08:00

white rain.

ahh.just look at that beautiful sight.i wake up and hear and smell rain.i push the windows aside and marvel at what i see beyond the grilles-white,and white.i love waking up to heavy rain.and cos im so high up in my flat i only see a piece of white outside,not even the clouds' shapes.rain is peace.
oh,the other day i talked to ms cheong my gp teacher to excuse me from gp lesson that day,cos wanted to go pick chu3 and xuan from airport.she was nice and allowed,but dont ask for this again and stuff.quite happy that we have nice teachers.so walked out in the quite-heavy rain.was nice.i was in all black[cos i forgot to bring my school shirt =],even my bag,so i invited quite a few stares,i guess cos i looked like an extremist of some sort.haha.oh,dont forget my headphones blasting lp.i need to superglue the pieces again tho,dont know WHO handled it so carelessly,#cough cough.

pause for lunch.

had to rush off after lunch to tkd,didnt have time to finish this.and now its 2307,past what id planned to sleep at,ten.shit.always late on everything.
hmmmmmm.cant remember what i wanted to post.OH.
saturday was quite fun,went for lunch with wei kuang,ting yan,nicholas and eunice,tennis people.theyre quite a fun bunch :].thinking of re-stringing my racket and getting a new one :l.but not really having much chance of getting into singles in tournament cos theres this stupid darius guy whos damn gay,proud,and good at tennis.we were all happy when he went to set up golf as a cca and sorta quit tennis.then he appealed to have both ccas,and succeeded.GAY FAGGOT.HE WEARS A PINK SILICONE BAND,DAMMIT.we were all cursing then.okay,then theres this retainee jiffari guy,who's good too.hes quite nice tho,some half chinese and malay thingers.then jeffrey,i dont think hes really up to singles mark,but i dont know.hes like the chairman cos he set up tennis,but hes gay too.the nice gay type,cheeky face,unbroken voice,the girls love his sexy legs.
thats makes about 3.even if jeff doesnt get in,theres nicholas and wei kuang that's gonna be rough competition.ha.at least let me dream lah.

owells.im lagging on sch work tho.better start setting my priorities right.the class forum is rather entertaining tho.in another sense,distracting.and its already 2331.bah.

the soft sheet would do better mute,
though it seemed already,frozen.
cold is life,air's the brace,
brace the air,'cos life is cold.

few times indeed.

2005-05-05T21:56:00.000+08:00

few times indeed.

i feel swingish.i think ill be better when chu's back.

tmr i have to go for a fuckin ultimate frisbee match when im supposed to go fetch chu3 and xuan from the airport,theyre coming back from their service learning trip from thailand.

tmr i have 2.4 run for napfa.and im not prepared.im going to kill myself getting that a.imma sing hollaback girl when im running to keep my breath and my concentration.

tmr i have a feeling that im gonna have a lot of homework.

i like today's date.o5.o5.o5.triplity.my old index and old fav number.heh.at least today i managed to get rain on my sweater.thanks cindy :].
but the stupid rain always seems to be avoiding me.it rained lightly,then heavily,then paused,i thought i would be able to catch the heavy continuation on my way out of sch,but it poured again before lesson ended,and abated ):.didnt get no rain.owells.at least there was rain.but it could be damn hot tmr during 2.4,shit.

tmr im having 2.4 and i dont have enough sleep already,and i dont have proper shoes to run in.im fucked.

i feel sad.i want to beat something or somebody up.that colin better not do anything funny cos ive already ran through what i would do with him in my mind.

i feel lonely.but thats okay.

i had a bowl of cookies and cream with mcvities biscuits :].

i think i know why im so down.

ill just have more linkin tmr morning :].lp's burning again.roaaaaar.

imma go bathe.

ah.feel better now.

imma own the track tmr.

im scared.i hate 2.4.i always feel like dying when i run long d.

i cant afford to skip sleep now.its gonna be a long day tmr.

i wanna run
away,one step,edge.
cant faint,dont stay,paranoid
whirlwind,paper cut
beneath my skin.

hold on.

2005-04-30T20:18:00.000+08:00

hold on.

this morning,i had a scary dream.

i was staring out of my hall window[23rd floor],i saw quite a peaceful and normal sight,but something the place was weird.quiet,ominous,hot.there was this calm tornado,about only 10 stories tall,not connected to the sky.it wasnt far from my flat,about 1km away.the tornado was rotating slowly,and instead of full gusts of wind rotating,it was made up of a few layers of thin white dust,each layer had two separate pieces,but they were still rotating.it was like a knife split the tornado,but it continued the rotation pattern.it rotated slowly,and moved randomly at a crawl,but seemed to just pass through everything,like a ghost.a few hundred metres to its right,at also only 10 stories' height,there were small specks of light in a cluster,blinking white,red and blue colours,but it was fast.when i started to realize that it was an aeroplane,it started spinning violently in the air,like it had been hit by a giant baseball bat.and then it exploded with a deafening roar,i winced so i only saw a vague explosion without fire.everything still went at slow motion,the cars moving down the lane started to drift uncontrollably away from the explosion because of the explosion's shockwave,like an invisible hand pushing them away gently.there were some slow collisions,and then the shockwave hit my building,there was a sickening crunch.
my building swayed slowly for about 8 seconds,to the left,and when it was about 20 degrees off scale,it rocked back like a pirate ship,to the right,an accelerated as it fell flat on its side,i jumped onto and grabbed the window grilles and managed to keep my position.when i turned around to skim my hall,i saw my mum and aunt picking themselves up,and then i thought aloud,"mama.![my grandma,who lives in the neighbouring apartment]'my mum then cried,'ah,mama.!' after realizing that she and my grandpa certainly had had fallen down.i was leaping off the grille,intending to go help my grandparents,when in the split second i forced my eyes open,to reality.the three-quartered moon stared down at me,it was the first time the moon was cold to me.extremely cold.the lights of an aeroplane flashed by near the moon,slowly and calmly gliding through the skies,unabnormally.

I WAS SO SCARED,traumatised.i couldnt move at all,i was afraid that the aeroplane might suddenly do violent somersaults and explode like i had just dreamt,i was afraid that i was going to die,i was afraid that many people were going to die,all at once.the scenes kept replaying in my head,i couldnt even calm myself down.i didnt dare to reach for my handphone to check the time.i wanted to scream,i wanted to cry,i wanted to cry so much,but i couldnt summon any physical strength.i felt like i was dead already.i was semi-conscious,everything didnt feel like the real world.i couldnt move.i couldnt move at all,my mind wouldnt let me.i was afraid to go back to sleep,i would have another nightmare,more people would die.i kept thinking,what would happen if that really happened and id survived.how would i bring people to the hospitals if the entire area was destroyed.?how would i be able to flag a cab,or call 995,or drive my dying relatives somewhere that can offer them help.?there was no way i could have saved them.i was to stand by and see them all die.i couldnt shake myself off the chain of thoughts.even when i woke,i felt like i was still dreaming,the realistic dreams,the horrors that couldnt be shaken off,the helplessness,it felt worse than the nightmare because i couldnt wake up from this.when i gradually calmed down i still was so scared.i didnt dare to close my eyes to sleep,my mind was such a blank at the fear,i still couldnt move,i couldnt think anything though i so wanted to.I WANTED TO CRY.
later when i could think,after the void i just spaced out on,i only could think of the dream again,i tried to figure out the symbolic meanings of the tornado,of the slow motion.there was no sound except the big bang,the crunch of the building,and the words.why was the sound so loud.?there was nothing to make the enormous sound that i heard,there was nothing that could explain the sound i so clearly heard.if my father had sneezed[his sneeze sounds like an army captain barking at someone],it wouldnt have been so loud,my room door was closed.i couldnt have hit anything,my body was mummified in the centre of the bed,i couldnt even move the hands beside my body.then how did i feel the building's sway.?i didnt even turn my body or head,it was straight up.i didnt perspire.how could i have felt the shockwave hitting the building.?the vibration from the roar and shockwave could be from my fan,but my fan is not oscillating,only pointing straight at me,how could the second that i felt it be different from others.?there could be no explanation,there is no link from my dreams to reality,which has never happened before.other dreams,like when id landed badly from a skydive,my legs felt like they broke,i woke and found that i had kicked my bedpost,it was numb.
and more importantly,why am i now able to force myself to wake up from my dreams again.?i used to be able to do it in the past,then i lost the ability to do so for years.it feels like for a split second you are in control of your dream.
at first,i had instinctively opened my eyes everytime i felt that omnipotent feeling.later,i tried to train myself to control waking up or continuing the dream.i had success most of the time,provided nobody disturbed me in the real life,i could erase the feeling and continue on with my dreams if i wished to,i could even control which directions my dreams were heading.whats more,when i woke and wished to continue the previous dream,i could do it,once i continued my dream for over an hour.i had to be in the just-awoken state,semi-conscious,to drift back.but i could never control whether i dreamt or not.but i found that,if i slept for about eight and a half hours to about 6am,which meant sleeping at 930-10,would almost certainly bring me dreams at about 1,3 and 6-630.i used to have variations of repetitions of nightmares,one of which had plagued me since childhood,i see a person/thing coming climbing up the flights of stairs to my old fourth storey flat,i want to close the door,but somehow i cant,sometimes because the doorway is too wide for the door to seal the entrance,sometimes the lock wont fit into the grilles,sometimes the guy is coming up too fast and i fumble.once i ran and hid in the bathroom,but the thing that chased me broke down the door,i waited for it to come,and it did,it broke down my bathroom door,it was a mini t-rex.this cant-escape in my own home dream repeated about ten times in the same night once,i kept waking and trying not to sleep,then dozing off and getting the dream again,slightly different,but still scary all the same.but since ive moved house it hasnt struck often.mmz.
i think that,my dream may have had happened,then aliens or some form of MIB had come and cleared up the big mess and erased all our memories,and my mind coughed it up this morning.how else would it have entered my mind in the first place.i dont will myself to get nasty nightmares.sigh.i shiver to think about it.

after id forced everything outta my brain,i went to tennis training in school in the morning.it was boring.we were taught basic backhand and stuff,like we suck at it.the coach's quite fun though.old,friendly-humor which isnt working very well,and having quite a dull voice.
went to cck pizza hut with tian ning to redeem the 2 free pizzas,but had to wait half hour,so id decided not to get it,i told that guy that id go somewhere else,and he said like,'ya other restaurants,west mall ah.',so i assumed west mall had a pizza hut.went there and checked out with the info counter,and found that they didnt have.tian ning and i was feeling quite idiotic and miserable at the same time.
went to tiong to catch some macs,met yen,min,cor,yonghan and another girl at delta stadium,they came to watch the hockey matches instead of going to pasir ris for their church's student peer group gathering thingy.girls' hockey are quite slow compared to guys' one tho,but nevertheless its good to slow down once in a while.couldnt follow them back to their church,and they had to be,as a result,our gathering was quite short,sorry for being so late again,yen and min. :l.
oh well.i bloody cant go assist for saturday hpps tkd now,how the fuck am i gonna get to terms with that.that means no gym too.and i cant fucking do shit about it.gay.
everything's going down,again.ill take heart in knowing that i can cry soon.

she raised her palm,softly but
resolute,and her eyes
fitting.
oh how much you would will
for her to break down,
under your very pity.
you could blink,beast.

pssssst.

2005-04-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

pssssst.

heh.im sneaking outta bed at 1111pm,just cos im inspired.lets get through the ramblings first tho.
i could sustain tkd's evil skipping[which is actually heavy skipping,which means skipping with custom-made skipping ropes of heavy rubbery hollow tubes that needs metal fixings to hold it in place,altogether weighing about 500g-1kg]more than usual,the 1000 wasnt that taxing actually.im happy with improvement.heh.still need to work on da damn splits tho.ive been meaning to regain 180 since sec sch.owell.
sch is still boring,work's piling up.sat at borders and painstakingly killed my 1st lit reading outline,essay form in scrapbook and all,and just did my second one under the hour,#beams ;D.its still past bedtime tho,ill be dying for tmr's long day,but who cares.

nothing beats inspiration.the dark room and silently locked door reminds me of the times i used to get up in the mid of the night in primary sch,to watch my bro on the comp,or to use it myself.occasionally my mum would knock,i would hurriedly scamper back to my sleeping position[usually facing away from the door on my side,or face down,cos i couldnt pretend for nuts yet :l] and breathe everso slowly.suffocating in air.but getting cos i wanna enjoy.

i have always been fascinated by the full moon.bright,and the craters and dark shadows on it.it looks like pacman most of the time now,it looked like the yin-yang sign for about 3 years since sec2.chu3 and i have watched it together too,once or twice,and we laugh when we blurt out the same thought at the same time,and then we laugh again to the simultaneous thought of being unable to discern which of us had read who's mind that instance.or whether it was a two-way link thing.
tonight she is back in my window,crouching,like she always had been.i love the faint glow she puts on my bed,exaggerated by the shadows of my window grilles.i always sleep facing the moon.ill be subconscious of the light,but it doesnt pervade,it doesnt protrude into my senses like the flourescent lamp,even when i have my pillow over my face.and whenever i do that,i feel so spiritually filled the next day,ill have boundless energy and infinite focus,but never perky,never restless.dont ask me why.try it yourself.
i couldnt help but smile when i saw her beams resting on my bed tonight,when i switched off my lights.[i think i wrote something real close to this before somewhere,but repetition makes emphasis,no.?]its so enjoyable to have your chest filled with the familiar but never-getting-and-never-will-be-tired-of-this feeling,the welling up of pleasantry,of memories.the moon is female because i dont think it should be deemed an 'it'.wouldnt it be so insensitive if you called your loved pet an 'it' instead of he or she.the duality of masculine vs feminine,logos vs pathos,forceful vs passive,theres all and more in the moon that attracts me.i think ive been studying feminism too much today,but who cares.lol.actually,i think its the blend of other concepts into feminism that makes the soft seem like a humble but forceful being.i think it has been shown so much around but we hardly notice it.the mystery that invokes hesitation of estimation,even fear.
too much lit is a good thing.but lit needs sleep.

the moon loves me too.

pale,pure.like drinking,but
drinking doesnt aptly describe
the smooth sliding down your senses,
coldly rushing,gently and swiftly coursing,
it felt like 240 tempo without the
beat,like slow motion,infinite motion.
but nothing will,because its
over.
and as if on repeat,it does.and
as if you're part of the mechanism,you
dive into the cycle,yet again.

craezae.

2005-04-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

craezae.

when i am in school,mugging hard,talking to friends during breaks,having pe,playing tennis,i dont think of going home.but when i am walking out of school after 6,if i am awake on the bus,i might miss my house and the needlessness to move about.when i am at tkd,at gym,out with my friends,i enjoy the time spent with them,i dont think about home.but when i am alone on my way back,id wish i wouldnt be wasting time on transport and just blink back home in an instant.i might miss my space i find comfort in in my room,i might wanna dig something from the fridge.when i am at borders reading my book,sipping my coffee,doing my readings,i dont want home.when the mocha is finished and im waiting for my bus,when i decide to stand up and return my book to its shelf,i might think of my bed and snuggling up to a sleepy afternoon or sunsettish room.
but once i pass the gate of my house,i dread home.this crammy space forced to act as a home and expecting a sense of belonging,this sloppy apartment artificially decorated with chinese traditional paintings,statues,western tables,flatscreen tv in the hall,collections of wine with funny packaging,i always release my belongings in my room with a sigh.i dont know whether its for relief or for disappointment.
but i am sleepy,it has been a long day,and night.
my mum just found my report book.bah.

eyelids and mind drifted
black,neither clench nor nod.
until random stars flicker
and shake
and knock some breath out of
your innards,
and the unripe moon
plays truant and hides.

gleereloaded.

2005-04-17T11:52:00.000+08:00

gleereloaded.

i feel light.floaty.haha.i love crazy days.i think something got into my blood when i got that few cuts.hur.well well.the locker lock is fun.quite unbreakable,need to turn here and there specifically before it would open.and i forgot to take my dirty laundry outta my locker on friday,fuck :.oh backtrack abit.wednesday :].
vicki mommy and i met up at holland v after sch,then strolled around finding a place to have late lunch at while catching up.settled in tcc and regretted soon after.ha.the food sucked was,and still will be way overpriced,as expected,but at least the music was good.what mattered most was mom and i anyway :].i enjoy good conversation.then went to coffee bean to get dessert;coffee and mudpie ;D.wasnt half bad.but coffee not up to standard.
[pause;i went to the toilet and made my comp stand by.when i came back the mouse wasnt working.i tried to use to keyboard to copy and paste the post so far.i accidentally deleted it.then had to restart comp,lost my post.i came back and clicked recover post,and it DID.i love blogger.]
whee.im even more happy now :D.life is good.
continuing.we had fun talking and laughing,shes like my memory glass;whenever im with her,i experience and recall nothing but good,old and happy moments.mommy looked especially demure in her school uniform,tie and simple ponytail.reminds me of her in her henry park pinafore and prefect tie :],and not to mention the innocent face.haha.and while we were waiting for the bus,we tried to take pictures,but only saved a few cos they looked retarded and off.haha.OH.she just told me she got into tennis in sch.got one more person to play tennis with.!oh yeah :D.the whole family can play tennis together sometime,lawrence,vicki,me.!even the karang guni man[remember mikail,mom.?] can play too.haha.so exciting ;D.just like the good old times.

moving on.thursday.?uh.lost.like my tuesday.sometimes short term memory = weak memory = possible selective memory = good thing.heh.so going on FRIDAY.pe first period.was quite slack[at least for me],2rounds on track,3 sets of 20 controlled situps,then the squat and jump thingies.and sit and reach.wahah.napfa no kick :.tennis after sch and stuff.accidentally hit a ball over the other side of the fence so i decided to climb over.got 2 minor cuts on my left leg and one on my hand cos i was too hasty[this is just to explain the cuts i wrote about way up there].haha.i tore my socks too :.no mishaps when climbing back over,so next time ill just take it slow.climbing is fun.well then jeff made us run.had pe so could cut to 2 sets of 6 rounds.we took it slow so i could maintain 12 rounds,and still immediately go play more tennis ;D.but i still dont like long d running.if i go fast ill be half dead.if i go slow waste time,and doesnt help much in my stamina anyway.ha.then rushed off at 1915 cos wanted to get home then go to tkd by 2030,but the bloody buses just hated me,made me wait almost longer than i travelled la.i reached home at 2045 and had no mood to go already.wanted to go cos there was this jap visitor training with us this week.bah.think happy thoughts.
i was so tired and muscle ached on sat but went to henry park to assist.so later even more ache,go finish my filming for sham's poly project.it was kinda fun,but well didnt really put my all into it cos it wasnt really thaaaaat big.but i was damn happy that it was done.like man my saturdays wont be bugged down with that anymore.!yay.will catch up with EVERYONE soon.
people is what this life is for.?

its weird being high on mornings and early afternoons like now.quietly high.alone high.good high.i wanted to blog something about high-ing.but i cant remember :.i need to have a haircut soon.

lit is fun,cos the teacher is fun.[by the way,pjc e-lit 2005,a pjc publication,sucks.]and we're delving into the gothic,as well as feminism for our topics.everything that happens to me seems to have a link.from the secondary sch,to this jc,my friends,religion,experience with cjc,the books i read,even the subjects i study.sometimes it scares me when i think about myself.my life,what controls my life,whether anything does for that matter.and usually i dont think gods,or fate and what not traditions;i think our own unawakened abilities,i think our undiscovered powers.i think the where-did-that-come-from things.i think crazy things.i think sometimes i dont belong to this world.
for one,ive been thinking on feminism.were women really weak,or men just being the prejudiced pricks.wasnt there any rationality in the past at all.you couldnt call them all fools if they made pyramids and dominated the world.for two,ive been always thinking about the friends ive had.take here for example,the people that i let into my blog are all females.are guys really generally idiots,or do i just have the bad luck of only knowing shallow guys.
it always brings me back to thinking that i shouldnt be having this life because nothing is anything,and anything is nothing.whats happiness for.who am i.how is this going to end.why do people cut down trees.

but i am still happy,i think.

step,stick around and dive.
you could twist and think the
end signifies one,but the dimmed
glow never sparks out,and never
gives the hint of erupting.
a touch,drop,over and fly,
clean aerials of colours twirled by.

shot upon.

2005-04-12T22:18:00.000+08:00

shot upon.

the rain didnt wait for me.i hoped it would still be there after the screening of ju on at school.its boring,no proper plot,nothing.today's screening of devil's backbone was nice tho.i like the story altho its predictable.maybe i just havent had much of tv and stuff these days.
had a slight diarrhoea,but ok after i took one of those chinese bottle of small brown pills.duno whether it was the peppermint ice cream,the improper meals i had in school or the iced mocha.
the coffee bean at the wheelock kiosk has a new guy.he made my mocha,and i had a feeling it wouldnt turn out as satisfactory as the previous server,who was assigned to the cashier.indeed it sucked.he didnt even let the blending last fifteen seconds.and the way he dressed the whipped cream,aint any better than tiong bahru coffee bean.that resulted in the ice being in ridiculously big,and the mocha taste uneven.i think he put too much ice also.and being everso mean,i took up a comment card and made contrasts.i wanted to note that he was a new guy but who cares.its public service,not primary school canteen food.the green instead of black marker used to write the order and initials on the drink cover was also damn off.lets hope they work on the comments soon.maybe theyll call me and offer me to be their official drink-taster.
meeting vicki for late lunch tmr,looking forward to that.gotta figure how to get to holland from town first.lucky for chu.

i had forgot how much i hate classrooms[without aircon,at least.].but some have big stand fans behind.so its not so bad.but classrooms are still classrooms.the lousiest learning environment.
bloody pile-ons.need to clear so many stacks of notes,do measuring for uniform,rent locker[COMPULSORY,WHO EVER HEARD OF THAT],do project.how to find time for brushing up chinese,tennis training,finishing lit texts,taking part in that international piano whatever competition thing.still got 100m track event for that duno what house competition crap.and im sleeping later and later.
i need the rain.

im not stressed,i just cant seem to take control of my life.everything slips,unbalances,doesnt fit into my limitations.i dont think im expecting much of myself just yet.
i suddenly want linkin park.but travis calms me.
i want to go for tkd.i want to achieve that duno what past-exhaustion stage and start sparring with clement or jon or whoever.i want to complete a beautiful pattern then shout out its name with all my might.

i sound stressed.but in fact,im scared of being stressed.

levitate your chains and please yourself
with the crinking and sudden outburst.
rage against the spirit
for eternal grasp had not yet tried.
but a few marks,over the
external inverse,suspended an emotion,
a fall and a tight fist.

and now,fall.

2005-04-07T20:32:00.000+08:00

and now,fall.

i have a pretty good figurance of what my mum did last night,while i was asleep.she felt that my jacket at the foot of my bed was damp,becos of rain.so she brought it to the back toilet and later asked my maid to wash it this morning.that bloody made me miss my jacket this morning.i thought it was on my bed,but when i checked,it wasnt.so i thought it was in my bag and just went to sch.it wasnt.when i came back,it is clean on my piano chair.the first thing i do is smell it.it has no more of my faraway smell.no more of my rain smell.fuck it.
yesterday night,i dreamt alot.but it was different.the dreams werent direct.they were,for the first time,symbolic.it was beautiful.but there was another dream.i dont know how to explain why i could feel it,cos it was almost impossible.but it doesnt deserve to be surfaced.not even in my diary.sigh.i dont know how to react to these dreams.
i had decided what to do.this morning i received an unexpected message reinforcing what i thought.it cleared all the cobwebs shrouding my half-hearted decision.words dont justify feelings,but once again,thank you.
i dont like american idol.or any of the idol shows.they sing like shit.but more importantly,everything else is shit too.

raise and eyelid,
absorb three flips.
sharp shrill ring
brought slumber eternity.

ill do the crying.

2005-04-06T21:01:00.000+08:00

ill do the crying.

tonight is my night.nobody can bring me down anymore.tonight ill make some hard decisions as well.ive lost interest in building a new life.ill just fucking slip back into my old self,ill be bloody stickin to my colourful shell.oh look,cj just sent a letter.for a moment id thought the night would turn around,but as i opened it i already could sense the deja vu.the flashback of me opening the ri envelope to find the ultimate disappointment.but tonight even that didnt make me blink.i couldnt care less.oh wait,i dont even care.
screw my life.i dont need to post it.i dont need to have a crutch,i can survive without bitching everything here.from today on,blog entries are just gonna consist of what i feel.maybe not even close.everythings going to my diary.i demand my privacy back.i wont blog as often in the future.
i wrote for lit homework.and it seems that i was predicting my future.what i was to do and feel tonight came back to me in my own writing.it was a dark and stormy night.i am grateful for being supernatural.
it was a good day.at school,after school,enjoying the rain,devouring my book,meeting denise,being cold,savoring my ice blended mocha,helping jun hong get his copy of dracula.as soon as i reached home,everything seemed to tumble.it wasnt cold in my room as it was outside.there was no oppressive feeling,but nothing was welcoming.NOTHING WAS WELCOMING.
i will lie on my bed and stare on the wall.i will again procrastinate and keep the diarying to tmr.i will be thoughtful.but i will never be depressed.
i crave for a devoted person.someone who can share the same frequency as me.i am not lonely.i am too influenced.
an imaginary friend attracts me,but oh well.i walk alone.you can tag along.but can you walk alone too.?

the beads slipping from her fingers
unreal and hollow echoes invade the senses.
she felt like going crazy,
but the innocence of her blades
shone everso brightly.
cats' eyes bearing through the flames,
silent grins reigned supreme.

wo men bai tian shi sista,wan shang shi brudder.

2005-04-04T22:20:00.000+08:00

wo men bai tian shi sista,wan shang shi brudder.

stupid father of mine just spoilt my mood.AND NOW MY MUM.wtf is wrong with those generation fortyfive-and-above people.bloody nagging practically every FIVE SECONDS.that bitchy father just expects his word to be immediately adhered to like everyone are robotic ants carrying out his allmighty omnipotent fuckass around.pardon my language ive been listening to eminem.its my blog anyway.my space.but ill never dream this to be my shell.a sigh doesnt measure up these days.but sigh.
i wanted to just let my heart out on this post.nobody ever gets privacy around here.my room like a rendevous point for the whole bloody family under this roof ; the maid irritatingly talking in high pitched tones to my grandma when shes over,my mum or dad to my sis when shes using her tablet on my bed,nagging my brains out,WHOEVER man.i hate whining.so i hate myself.its times like these i wanna relive the freedom of having no school.if i didnt need to sleep ill just kill the lights,close my eyes,open the piano cover and start randomly expressing till 2 or 3.id go to sleep light.bah.already 2240.whyyy does everything just seem to cramp up when the space isnt there.i need rest for pe and 2nd tennis trials tmr.the founder even bothered to remind me via sms just now.sounds despo.ha.
to addon to my procrastination list ;
pjc student profile and ct time.
dracula.
tkd.sparring rules.sidekick.!
gym and the power guy from duno which sch.
shit im being too extravagant.

huddling in the corner hugging
his knees,he maynt looked more disturbed
than depressed if he hadnt been
facing the wall.
yet the artificiality of the reality
he faced,brought little comfort,he
still had to live,whether he liked it.
or so they said.

sparkling green.

2005-04-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

sparkling green.

i wanna change my blog layout.maybe ill design one myself.im lacking of spiritual inspiration this few days.or maybe i didnt concentrate on wanting to gather them.it has been raining these past few days.and the joy that the rain brings me floods along with memories.ive been thinking too much too.how contradicting.arghs.i think the past week has been slack,coming to think of it.but running it,i thought it was rather busy.i think maybe the break since the holidays have slowed my pace of life down.and i was trying to kickstart my engines ever since school started.weekend sucks with the dull pace of life now,which again ironically were the busiest days of my hols.lets get on to dumping everything here.yeah thats what i feel what this blog is becoming.a dumping ground so that i feel safe that my memories arent vanishing.an easy way out.i havent touched my diary in ages because ive been pouring all the materialistic things up here.and tho i think that my reflections are more important than the physical happenings,when i read this blog again,i can draw on my reflections again.perhaps thats mainly why i dont have the craving to write.typing seems so fake; fast and standard.unlimited.like life's never gonna end.but im digressing.
been a hectically slack week.monday and tuesday were still orientation,but we were divided into our classes already.which is quite dumb cos i only started to get knowing my og like for a few hours.and what a pity my combi class is such a dead one.first up the guys are those typical neighbourhood kiddos.at first i thought they were just being conservative,that they could do better at writing and stuff than physical communication just because they were in the essay-crazy combi of hist econs lit[which abbrievates for hel,i just realized :].BUT they were a letdown.they werent litty at all.i think even 4 or 5[out of 7] didnt take lit in upper sec.maybe i just had too high expectations.theyre almost just like my classmates from sec sch.damn boring.dont know about the girls tho.theres about 16 or 17 of them,already forming small cliques here and there.this class seems so dead cos.all of us just seem like followers.no enthusiasm in coming to a new jc.a new chapter of life.and of course that affects me cos theyre the only ones i have to stick around with.
bah.i feel so dead now.no surge to write.i duno what happened.i just stoned.and 4hours are gone.dammit.
next post;continue blog on.
going to pj.
tennis cca.
lectures and my studymode.
tkd and damned cip.
early sleep,dreams.
cj last fight.
borders obession,wheelock coffee bean kiosk and card :D.
and up coming _ religion,angels and demons.

as if liken an angel who
had fading feathers,and
clouddream sashes,eritchi
ran diagonally,struggling to
keep his eyes open despite
the blaring floodlights.

gay.

2005-03-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

gay.

bloody fuck.my most recent entry just disappeared.I AM BITCHY.

little tom knew he would
regret what he was to do,
but he still fixed the innocent green eyes
of Laura with a deadly stare,
coldly uttering an undeserved 'fuck you',
then immediately hoping that she
would hug him,tears free flowing.
he would have apologised.
but she only stared back,face drawn blank.

glee.

2005-03-24T20:14:00.000+08:00

glee.

havent blogged for so longggg.or rather.so much stuff to blog but didnt.i wanted to write a long diary entry.but wells.maybe after this.mind's been two rounds around the world and back with the stuff going on.hmm lessee.march.twenty something.went to cj and pj to sorta enquire,and assess the school environment.wasnt much.i had given up trying to try for ac when i heard that cj had already like a good number of 9-12s in there.i then realized that their cut off isnt everyone's grade.mhmm.then choices.cj first,pioneer second,rest insignificant.got posted to pioneer.then didnt get to go down on the first day cos my father made me go to his office DESPITE the release of posting results and my dental appointment later.so i left for tightening braces at 2,then called them up.they said closed at 5,so probably no time to get down there and appeal.there was alotta ppl,200+ at least.then went pioneer the first day of school,they arranged the schedule so that all the talks were pushed to the front.so the first day,till 12,was just talks.talks.talks.with noone im pretty familiar with around,it was death on earth.then rushed down to cj to appeal,luckily one of the first few cos my school ended earlier than others.so filled that appeal form and attached the documents,and went.felt too materialistic.i mean,im just like listing down all my wares then handing it up for assessment instead of being able to flaunt them and give them more than an impression created from my words.bah.it is a terrible feeling. second day,today.was much better.got to know more people better during break and lunch,and ice breakers.i had an impression that single-gender secondary schools didnt help much in one's social life,but there was[using was because on monday,we'll all be grouped to classes already.]this ex-crescent girl also from henry park,and ncc.surprisingly easy to relate to,to talk to.our ogl too,an ex-mgs girl.so i am more enlightened today.mmz.a lil sad cos its like.one day of orientation only.with our og that is,so probably we'll all be split up cos of different combination classes.and the og leaders gone with that too.too abrupt i say,we were all just getting to know each other,then poof.friends gone AGAIN.owells.if i get into cj,then i might not have any friends AGAIN in cj.but ill be more than happy if i get in anyway=.hopefully no deja vu,damn the previous RI principal,making me lose my appeal.on the pessimistic side,the principal might bias against my methodist secondary school since theirs is catholic.or even that i have no religion.on a brighter note,i hope he favours gymnastics as one of the achieving ccas and let me in based on that. BAH.pessimistic note again.one of my henry park classmates was in pj too,and appealed to cj same day as i.she went to seek out the canoeing teacher and talked,then today she got the acceptance call in the morning already.arrh. I WILL THINK POSITIVE.saturday i will call up the humans teacher and gym instructor there.then maybe ask whether he wants to see how well i perform,on monday or something.~~will hope then it isnt too late.~~i already dreamt that they gave me the acceptance call.ha.im devoting too much thought to this whole thing really.i duno.
gotta cut short.going to go for tkd open tournament in malaysia during first weekend of june.which is weirdly in genting.mmz.participating in both pattern and sparring events.im dreaming man.but i will beat them all up.#psyches myself up for tmr morning's tournament training.

succumb not be where
endless flow strives,
faded white revive ominously,yet
twin gentle whiffs,unmixed glance
bore through and stuck.

life is a dance floor.

2005-03-14T19:02:00.000+08:00

life is a dance floor.

wellwell.ive been indulgent in using the aircon the past two months.maybe like thrice a week.when its really warm.my room always is.literally.except on weekends,its like my room becomes another place,everything is refreshed.maybe its only because im out bulk of the both weekend days.when i walk out of my room its like entering another place,more breathing space and all.i dont know why,even when i keep my door open the whole day,it still has a suppressive aura.even to me.maybe its because there are so many foreign things in my room.but i can handle it.lets see.in my room i only have a sense of possession over my computer,poster,piano,computer chair,a part of the shelf,and bed.my table is filled with like the entire house's stationary,including a huge lot of paintbrushes,unused files,hole punchers,etc.below my table,the aluminium drawer,i only use 1 of the six compartments,and thats for tissue.the other area under the table,unused textbooks and all in a box.oh and below that is my personal box:.forgot to mention that.and my big cupboard,only one area is all my clothing.the other four fifths are old quilts,old formal suits and towels and everything else.and my brother's old cds fill up my cd rack.beside my piano is an old computer table,full with more unwanted old school books and files and all those shit.i dont even take out the guitar from its casing to play 'kiss me' anymore.and on my piano is a whole lot of soft toys.it doesnt seem like my room.i dont know whats my own point anyway.bah.
when i on the aircon,i always blast musick.and if its 3-5,ill have a craving for fries,which then ill ask my maid to fry some for me and my sis :.but these all dont make up for,that something.the missing element.i dont know.our previous flat,it wasnt as modern as this now,but it was sure more homelike.maybe climbing the four storeys up to our house exaggerated the desire to be home.i remembered that i would always try to handstand-walk the length of the hallway,and fail,then cartwheel the rest of the way.i remember when there was always a program on in the afternoon,i would run to the masterbed room's doorway,then run straight out and do a hackroll over the arm of the sofa to a lying position on it,on the tv,and enjoy.i remember when i waited for my maid to open the gate and door when i came home from school,throw my bag down beside the organ,then climb me and my brother's double-storey bed without the ladder,leaning half my body over the other edge to switch on the fan full blast,stop its oscillation,and lie down to nap.i remember when the doorbell would wake me up later in the afternoon,and my adrenaline would be mixed with fear as i leapt off about 1.5m from the bed to the ground,to lie on my bed or pretend to be already on my homework before my brother had entered the house to catch me on his bed.then i would be tense for the next five minutes,waiting for the dreaded 'who asked you to touch my bed.?you dont have your own is it.?'.well it almost always never came after i took precautions,but now i know,that he knows ive been on his bed.he would glance at his bedsheets which were crumpled,then turned to observe the fan's stationary direction,give me a 'that' look,then sigh on his way out,whered then i would in turn sigh in relief,thinking that my innocent mask id donned had served its purpose successfully.its a small thing,but these little splints of guilt just dont go away after a few years.maybe its because he didnt want me on his bed,thats why i chose to be more headstrong and go against his wishes,to think that his bed was more comfortable than mine.all this little things,i guess,contribute to the unconscious respect ive had for my brother the following years,the respect that had replaced my previous despise of him.it links,too,to my despise of my parents,because they dont see what i see in him.the more my brother looks big in my mind,the smaller my parents get.its a complicatedly simple world.speak of the devil.!they're home.
owell got new fone :.actually for bro but he preferred my 6610,so,no arguments about it :D.its a siemens cx65,with vid cam and all.but duno about radio and mp3,check that out later.i like checking out new stuff.at least its not samsung.i cant stand their SILVER-SILVER-EVERYTHING-SILVER phone models,no variety in the bodies at all.but siemens has lousy font.it looks like the scorpion model.hm.i wanted a nokia 6170.the flip one audrey has.quite classic and sleek,i like.owell.not everything turns out as it is so id just make do.better than nothing anyway xD.
aiya.lost my track of typing le,started at 7,went to eat and talk to friends and stuff,now 930 le.ha.i knew i shouldnt have procrastinated,but regrets is worse than cure[which is worse than prevention because prevention is better than cure,if you dont get my drift :.]i like the long,direct and surefire methods rather than spending time finding a shortcut to everything.blahblahyadda.
gotta finish angels and demons cos sis returning it tmr,watch lord of the rings in 30 mins time,and set and get to know my phone all in one squeeze tonight.id probably be still playing with my phone tmr at father's office.heh.end off early this evening.if theres tonight,there should be toevening.or tovening.toveing.?ah shaddup shaun.

aradelia,wash the clean blood,hastefully,
lest stale leeches on them,
slowly tearing their scalp,
letting the invisible moan materialize.

silver locks drippin.

2005-03-10T00:45:00.001+08:00

silver locks dripping.

got the quotation from acromat already.i just wanted to check out abit.

1. A12-2 TRAMPOLINE - GOLIATH - FOLDING - WOVEN NET $3148.20

3. A12-12 TRAMP. - GOLlATH - SAFETY PADS - Folding - Vinyl $788.70

plus delivery of 500,thats kinda ouch-ing,i was estimating 3k max :.mmz.that guy ended the email with like 'We look forward to having your order soon',so im sort of guilty i just did this for my own leisure :.hopefully he didnt manually type the quotation.
watched half of honey today.my sis got the vid last time and i havent watched it.hah.and need to wake early later so id better keep the next half to another day.
crappy pictures dont fit well into my frame on this blog,they all get fat,even horizontal pictures.if you look closely at my present one,youll notice the tulips are awkwardly fat too.so dont.been trying to find free hosting sites that could support about 10mb+ per file size but i think theres no luck in that.so stick to less-than-5mb songs,which really sucks cos i dont know why all my nice songs are above 5.lol.that lycos hosting site givin me problems,pity.i think ill go trace jon's vids' hosting sites and try that tmr or something.after all ive got nothing to do at my father's office when im free.he got so unreasonable again when i proposed id head down to his office after a tennis game at like one.gay people.
short one this round.already running late for sleep.and now i know why my damn hair is so idiotic.

jester jill didnt serve his purpose
well enough for king alcatraz,
so he sent for people to tickle him,
but jill couldnt help but smirk,
and do what she did best,to mock.

i love flying.

2005-03-08T11:37:00.000+08:00

i love flying.

heh.not plane-fly but jump-flight.
Enhanced almost magically,your temporary attempts to fly will be no doubt satisfied by the wonders of a trampoline.Bringing and owning a portable theme park into your life has never been easier.Acromat® provides a wide variety of trampolines,from mini-brat-pish-posh-toys to tumbling strips to your favourite giant thing-the-firemen-carry-that-you-jump-on-to-when-your-flat-is-on-fire-which-is-oh-so-fun.!Don't forget how much of an exercise you can get from just flying.!Exercise has never been more grotesquely fulfilling,with only your mind limiting what you can do with our fantastic array of equipment.Acromat® manufactures top-quality gymnasium[inclusive of safety] and sporting equipment,and even exports plus delivers right up to your doorstep.!Performance guaranteed,custom-made equipment available.Hesitation not allowed,step into our website at triple-dubbdew-dot-acromat-dot-com-dot-a-u with enthusiasm and anticipation to receive full impact of exhiliration.
mmmmz.saturday i went to see mr teo after my tkd assisting at henry park,ask him about jc gym.he said cjc's gym was good,and recommended me to take tramp if i got in :D.how exciting.so i went to do abit of tramp since i had time.wheeeeeee.i managed to scrape a backlayout full twist=/.i suck at twists,so kinda happy i managed to achieve this little thing.i miss the old sunday mornings when the guys would come at least half an hour early to out-jump each other on the trampoline in the chinese high.occasionally one would fall,all would fall silent and pause,then we would laugh together,and continue our fun.and at times when we were bored of floor and vault,teo would let us go do some tramp even tho its not in our syllabus,and even support us with double back-sommers and stuff.smile-sigh.
its so boring at home.my mum made me accompany my father to his office to do work everyday since i have nothing on until the postings on the 23rd.i was considering finding a job.hehe.i was looking at the tcc at great world and raffles place.maybe ask my mum tonite about it.ahha.its weird me wanting a temporary job now.but dad says got alot of work at office too.killer.
mmz.arranged to go out with vicki and lawrence they all again on monday and today,but bert has sch.and lawrence doesnt seem interested,not getting back to me when i told him to and stuff.he's like why are we still wanting to go down when bert cant come.?vicki seems disappointed.and like.doesnt want to arrange for our gatherings anymore.so what do i do,force lawrence to be more sensitive.?i dont know.maybe ill just talk to him online and stuff.see how it goes.
dont wanna mention much about the pre-u stuff.its all so confusing.feng and nia wants me to go to ac,i wanna try sa and cj,mum is like already assuming im in pioneer or a poly,blah blah.
i put five choices in my application,cjc,pjc,jjc,tp law and management and np mass comm.i dont think ill get into mass comm but who cares.and another two options popped up after my application-anderson jc and meridien jc-from which the top a lvl student was from last year.dont know about that really.all i know is that i will appeal whatever the outcome.solo or with friends prefably.i dont like generation gaps.
oh there is this weirdly long strand of white hair on my left forearm that is always standing.it used to be about two times the length of my normal arm hair.then duno how come it was cut off or something-maybe was too long-,nows about the same length as everything else,but still standing.haha.kinda amusing.i think im too bored,blogging stupid stuff.better get off.oh i just remembered one more thing.in the o lvls english compo paper,i did the topic flight,and i was conceptualizing a storyline on trampoline flight,considering whether it would strike.i think i drifted off and thats how i lost my first fifteen minutes to nothing.heh.stupid shaun.
and thanks,yen and bel.

retiding assail,
aloft separate waves,speed spray.
eyes shut,body tense,
like a young kid riding the wind,
fly.

gently crash to the ground.

2005-03-02T01:13:00.000+08:00

gently crash to the ground.

first off is [half]my recent hamster's death.the poor thing died supposedly peacefully,of old age,according to sher.she had got her[note not 'it'] first,then i took care of her for i think about a year.then gave back to her nearing the end of last year.she lived a little more than the supposed max lifespan of hamsters,3years,but i dont see any consolation in that.when something's gone one tends to regret.did i feed her well.?did i give her enough freedom and attention.?well obviously no.she didnt get what she deserved-more regular out of the cage.i cant say i couldnt give her three hours to run about outside her cage.i couldnt say i couldnt make the time.i couldnt say it was boring.cos it wasnt.i was just lazy.unconcerned.i actually always sought her[or my piano when she was sleeping] out when i was not in a good mood.play with her.so cute and innocent.moments with her always lifted my spirits.i used to carry her around.even put her on my table when im on the comp.i duno whyd i stopped doing that.sigh.it must be that time in mid feb where i suddenly missed my chu and wanted to see and play with her again,when she was about to leave.i should have responded.whats more,i didnt get to see her again before she was gone.its like losing a close friend who has been out of contact with you for awhile.its worse than seeing something fade in front of you.the loss is slow and unexpected.this is so hard to get over.i am sad.
now grades.got an unpleasant 18 for my l1r5. two for eng and emath,both of which i expected a one,three for sciences and lit,at least science i expected a two,and four for amath and humanities,both which werent quite stable but still disappointing.crappy chinese got a six.i dont know whats wrong with chinese this year,everyone seems to be having it as their lousiest score.owell.decisions,decisions.got many choices to put,but im only expecting pioneer jc,or maybe catholic jc.my mums so crazy over everything else even considering some meridian and tampines jc.screw the polys,course my ass la.so bloody irritating even to get interested in one.i dont want a straight path in anything,however that may sound.i may check out sajc too,but it seems a far cry.impossible is nothing tho.convincing my parents to let me go try and check out sa is worse than trying to appeal in there in itself.the irony.o well,it doesnt help that my prelims scored a 32 and that my report book was stolen.i always hoped my conduct would help somehow or the other,now im left with my form teacher's testimonial,which is already very high-praising except that it is only from one source.screw the bloody schools and results for now.
i think imma go sleep.i cant remember what i wanted to type,i know it was gonna be long tho.gotta go to greenridge pri to assist tkd there,maybe go down nearby there to pioneer to see see.my uncle's offering to bring me around cos hes free.i duno whether to be grateful or not.bah.and going to tighten braces on friday.hur.im looking forward to it.
oh yes.the moon is back in my window:].

soft surreality and ebony composure,
depiction of the grasp turning cold.
sighful wisps lingering just out of reach,
he couldnt bring himself to hug the nothingness
another last time.